How can I express the way I feel.
There are no words.
We are still hanging in limbo.
It seems there is no conclusive diagnosis.
Some things have been ruled out...which is great.
On the other hand- or foot, if you like- there is no real answer to the problem.
As a Mother, who firmly believes, and always has, that this is NOT a cancer, I keep the faith, and hope for the magic bullet that will shrink this terrible tumour, and save my son's foot, and therefore leg, from needless amputation.
As many of my friends know, I am an atheist. I do not have a god I worship or believe in. My friends who do, have prayed and cared for us, and I thank them for their beliefs and wishes.
Events in my life have decided my beliefs, but I never deny or disregard, or disrespect, other's beliefs. We are all entitled to our own paths, and beliefs.
I do thank you all, for your caring thoughts, and I do beileve they can have an effect.
Michael Bolton, How am I Supposed to live without you.
We have been to Sydney, for diagnosis.
There is actually none.
The Biopsy has been taken, and the results, are nondecisive. No one can determine what the tumour is, or whether it is benign or malignant.
We stayed at a Hotel which is supposedly 'friendly' for discounting Hospital visitors. I don't really regard a $2 a night discount as 'friendly'.
However, the room we were allocated had microwave and cooktop facilites.
The downside was, there were NO utensils for cooking anything, either on cooktops, nor in microwaves. No plates, no cutlery, no saucepans, containers.
I used a teaspoon to eat my ghastly microwaved meal- from the plastic container.
The second room we were allocated, had none of the above facilities, and it also had a cracked handbasin, which I regard as highly dangerous re germs and infection.
Back to the reason for our stay. My son's foot is seemingly malignant. An overnight stay, with a biopsy, was performed. Full anaesthetic, and recovery stay in Hospital.
Specialist says his gut says it is malignant. Tests are inconclusive.
It seems my son's condition is so rare, noone can figure it out.
Now they are suggesting melanoma. A seconday cancer site, in the foot.
Preposterous, really, as the full body PET scan shows no evidence of any other tumours, or abnomal cells in the body. A Plus, for sure!
The Specialist doubts the melanoma theory, with good reason.
We have been adivised that, either way, my Son will lose his foot and leg.
To me, as his mother, it just seems such a drastic thing, especially when I dont think it is really cancer, I cannot begin to contemplate such a thing.
I seem to be wearing a psychic sign on my head, announcing to the Universe, "Sh!t on Me!!!" Or, maybe it is a sign on my back that says "KICK ME!! I Am Down Already, so I cant get lower!"
Who knows what lies ahead. I just hope I can be there to support my Son.
In the next two days, we will find out good, or bad news. Or perhaps, hopeful news.
I am holding the faith the news won't be as bad as we suspect it could be.
There is a special type of terror, in waiting for medical diagnosis, and ultimate prognosis.
I fear the bottom line is, the medical profession don't really know. Not their fault, just the state of medicine.
I remember my Grandmother's remedies. Not so silly, in today's newly dawning world of natural treatments, and cures.
How wonderful has Aspirin 'suddenly' become?
But is it artificially made, or is it the original plant product?
What is real, or believable any more?
Good friends, such as those who called today, are real. They are believable.
Family are real and they are believable also.
*************
My son and I rescued, last Thursday, two small dogs, who had been roaming our streets all day. It was dusk, and we feared they may be hit by cars. Plus the dogs seemed weary, and had obviously tired, of their day's adventures.
I dubbed them Mister Shaggy, and Mister Smooth.
We put them into our car, and took them off to our local, friendly, Vet Clinic.
They were such lovely little boys, and very friendly, and obviously well cared for.
As I went to pick up the little guy, Mr Smooth, with the tan and cream fur, he became panicked and nipped me on the face.
Now, I am sporting a very large, & ugly, bruise on my face!
I rang the Vet's, next day, to see if the rascals had been microchipped, and collected. Vet's nurse told me they are well known, and had gone home. She also told me that Mr Smooth is going blind, and he often nips the staff, at Vet Clinic.
They had been collected, and it seems they are renowned runaways. They come from a family of five dogs! (Lucky owners!)
They are the only two who make a run for it!
This evening there was a knock on our door, and there was Mister Shaggy, with a strange man.
"Is this your dog?" he asked my son, as Mr Shaggy went into raptures over Son. He then told us that Mr Shaggy had spent the day running over the road to our house, and back across the road to his, Mr Stranger's, house.
I hope the little guy is ok. He is very affectionate, and very lovable. Rescue man said he would put him in the backyard with his little dog, so I hope there is no conflict.
We could not take him, as we are off to the City tomorrow.
It seems there are no free treats for me at present.
I am struggling so hard.
It seems life has not finished dealing me blows.
I remember, a friend once told me, "It is hard to feel depressed, when your eyes are looking upward."
I keep searching the sky, the horizon, for hope, for peace, for strength.
I am going to need all the help I can get, and all the strength I can find, to live through this, next, terrible time.
It seems my world contains nothing, but Life's Cruel Blows.
Some beautiful friends, who are aware of my sorrow and sadness made this beautiful video for me.
I cried when I saw it, and feel blessed and so touched to know I have such beautiful, caring friends.
