Before GOM & I knew we were to be together, I had another 'boy friend'. I will call him G. We had met quite accidentally one night when out in a 'crowded bar' situation. I looked up, & here was this man watching me. Our eyes locked, & I felt a thrill, a small tremor of 'recognition'.
Our eyes kept returning to each other, throughout the evening. As we were both with other people, the chances of talking were nil. However, he passed close to me, & passed me a piece of paper. I thrust it into my bag, & carried on with the evening. The next day, my mind kept returning to those brown eyes dancing at me across the room. I took out the piece of paper with a name, & phone number.
Normally, I would never have bothered to contact someone like that. But something kept him in my mind, it kept nagging on my consciousness.
I should explain here that GOM & I were not in a 'serious' relationship. We were flirting around the edges I suppose you might say. Perhaps neither of us wanted to admit that this was "IT". He would stand me up every now & then, & I would go out with others.
So I gave my brown eyed admirer a phone call. And he was happy, & arranged to meet me. And so began a secret, mistimed, 'love affair.' It was an unrequited 'love affair'. We never did sleep together, & in the end I think we were both comfortable with that. He used to laughingly 'put the hard word' on me, & I would laughingly refuse. He would cuddle me, kiss me, & take me back to my 'real life'.
I can remember feeling giddy with excitement when he would be waiting at the end of the lane, after I finished work, & he would whisk me off for long drives & we would sit & watch the passing parade by the river. And we laughed at the same things, & seemed to think the same thoughts. We would say exactly the same thing, at the same time. And we seemed the perfect match.
He would 'kidnap' me for lunch, & we would drive up into the hills, & sit & laugh together. We never seemed to run out of things to say to each other. It was almost as if we had to cram it all in, before it was too late.
But... he was still in a marriage. It floundered along, -for the 'children's sake'. At first I felt horrified, & guilty to be seeing a married man. He never spoke badly of his wife, & admitted it was probably his fault to a large degree, that things didnt work. It didnt seem to 'count' in our relationship really, as we were truly, just friends. But what friends. I think a friendship such as ours comes along once in a lifetime. It seems harder to have a male/female true friendship, than it is to have a female/female great friendship.
We spent many happy times together- always laughing. His marriage eventually ended. By then I was committed to GOM, who still, occasionally 'stood me up'. On those occasions G & I would go out together. He would take me off to strange places, & we would go for wonderful meals together in out of town destinations, just to be together.
I knew that if ever I needed someone, he would be there for me. And I would always be there for him. I missed him terribly when we didnt see each other, or speak for long periods of time.
GOM & I married, & for the first few weeks of marriage, there were times when I had that 'trapped', "What the Hell have I done?" feeling. I guess GOM may have felt it too.
One day at work, I recieved a phone call. It was G. He was in town for some conference, had a day free- would I come for lunch? I couldnt resist, & felt the old excitement flood through me. I caught a taxi off to meet him at the huge new luxury resort where he was staying. It was so good to see him. We had a long long lunch, neither of us stopping to eat much. We just laughed & laughed, it was like drinking too much wine. Time seemed suspended, in a golden seperate world. We got later & later, & suddenly I realised I should be home, cooking tea for my new husband. A panic sticken trip in another taxi, home to my little flat.
And though I had never physically betrayed GOM, I somehow felt just as guilty.As if the secret bond G & I had was worse. It was invisible. It was like some pain, no one could see it, but it was still real inside. And I also felt sick, as I think if GOM had discovered where I had been that day, he wouldnt have been forgiving, or understanding. And I knew I didnt want to jeopardise our marriage.
Eventually GOM & I returned to the Southern City to live. G contacted me. We occasionally would meet to talk, catch up. He had a new girlfriend, & of course I was now married. We still seemed to get a tremendous lot of pleasure from each other's company. He came to the Hotel, & GOM knew about him by then. Knew about our long time friendship, had in fact known I went out with G when he stood me up, but he never knew about the secret rendezvous. We all became friends. G & his new girlfriend came to our house for parties. We still felt the spark of the love we had for each other. GOM was aware, but he knew it was no threat to him. G's new wife was not so sure, & I always felt she held reservations.
Over the years, we saw G every time we returned to the Southern City. He had married & had a daughter. I never met his daughter. But we kept in touch, until one year we went back for a holiday, GOM & I. And when I rang G, I was told he had died. It just broke my heart. He was too young, too good, to be gone. He had almost died once before. He was left almost crippled, & it seemed a miracle had saved his life, that time. He must have run out of miracles. And there is a hole in my heart forever.
But I am so glad I had the chance to love him.