Sunday, July 12

Only Joking!

I wish to state at the outset, some of the content of this post is just a joke.

I have been pondering on suicide inducing actions you could take, if you were contemplating such a course, but were a little unsure of whether it was the correct course to take. (Yes, as someone once commented, I am unnerving. Sometimes I unnerve myself!)

Try going into clothing shops, taking a selection of garments into the fitting room, strip off your 'what the bloody hell was I thinking to come out wearing THIS?? In public??' garments, & take a good look in the mirror.

You will want to hastily redon your uglies, & slink out, to find a suitable place for your demise.

Often the suspicion that you should remove yourself from other's vision/and/or establishment, is preluded by the horrified, lip curling, sneering look you receive from the shop attendant, as her eyes widen in disgust, & slide up & down your 'presence'.

Sort of a "How dare you defile my elegant emporium, with your ugly shabbiness?" look.
If you should still be deluding yourself that you can't be so hideous that bad, I recommend you try on some of the chosen selection of new garments. Note that you chose a large size you thought must surely fit.
Glance again in the mirror.
This is where you will totally lose all will to live!!
You will realise to your utter horror the huge size you thought would swim on your torso, is straining at all points!

Imagine then, that you have finally found a garment that you think you could wear, without inducing self destructive urges. You go to purchase said item.

The assistant's eyes widen with alarm, almost disbelief. "You want to take it?" she gasps.

You find yourself wondering if your choice can really be that bad. I suppose the assistant is just hoping that no one will know what brand it is, or where you purchased the garment.

I am interspersing some more photos my cousin's wife took of Poultry in England.
Just a little light relief, you might say.

I think these are ducks?

Another self destructive pointer, is the fact that it is all going to be downhill from hereon.

The Arthritis is just going to get worse. Those ridiculous expensive tablets you bought, thinking they might just work, have been a complete & utter waste of good money. All that has been achieved there, has been the padding to the bank account of some 'health yeah, right! food producer'.

This is a fluffy little individual!
Other suicide inducing thoughts include reading a list of all the things you liked, that you now are told are so bad for you- death & disease will surely follow any partaking of said items, or foodstuffs., or beverages
This cocky little fellow is ok. He has the fluffy footwarmers!!
Other good sources of suicidal thoughts are often to be found in the home. The fact that it has rained for almost a month on a daily basis can rob one of the joy of living. The absolute end comes though, when the bleating Airconditioner you have just paid to have repaired, ceases to function two days later. And you know it is a different problem.
You contemplate taking an axe to the blasted thing, but then realise you would be better off using the axe on your own self.
You learn that a relative relative has a health problem, which is on the verge of deathly serious. Admission to Hospital is urgently urged. Goodness knows, hospital beds are like hen's teeth, so they are not given lightly. The fool refuses to go. You know the spinoff is going to be ghastly for the relatives, and the relatives of the relatives.

The sight of this comical little hen? makes me smile. Almost induces the will to live once more.

I am normally not one to celebrate or advocate the murder of trees.
I love trees, of all sorts, shapes & growth habits.
However, there are exceptions. Privet is a curse about our neighbourhood. It has been let run amok. Our neighbour has a self sown one, which has grown since we moved here, & it now blocks our clothesline. I would cheerfull murder it. Gom already murdered another in their yard. With their approval I hasten to add.
Another problem tree is the Camphor Laurel.
This is a pic of one I look at daily.
Well, now it is a pic of the remains of the Camphor Laurel.
As you can see in the somewhat blurry pic, it was a very large tree or possibly trees. The council came along with tree felling men, & cherry pickers, & mulching trucks, & felled the offensive tree. A Privet was also taken down. We have no idea why, but now we can see the house beyond, & I am sure the people who live behind the felled trees, have a lot more light in their lives.


Ali Honey said...

Oh Meg yes,
we have all been into shops where THEY give you THAT LOOK! The shops seem to range from that sort to the sort where they are SO anxious to sell something; Anything they would say it looks just right even if it is a circus outfit!

I think it becomes more difficult with the years - it's a wonder we aren't all going naked by now.

If by chance I do find something I like; need and it fits and looks okaybuy it and anyhthing else similar cause I know next time I look there will be nothing.

Especially when trying on shoes! The look on their faces when you say yes I'll take both or better still all of those makes it almost worth doing!

I'm a normal shape and size so what is it like for those who are not?

Perhaps do you want to swap wardrobes....I'm rather fed up with mine at the moment!

Emma said...

Another God yes!

I abhor clothing shopping, especially since my father's death three years ago and masses of depression weight that ensued. It takes a lot for me to even go into a shop, and I walk out with nothing but self loathing about 90% of the time.

On the trees: I realise that there are pestiferous trees out there, but I prefer my woods lovely, dark and deep.

lovelyprism said...

The women in clothing stores must be the same world wide! Here's something you may not have thought of... I had gotten quite fat and got that look from the ladies in the "regular" stores, so I started going to the big ladies shop. I found that when I lost a lot of weight the shirts in the regular shops still didn't fit right because my chest size hadn't gone down with the rest of me! So off to the fat lady shop I go for shirts and blouses and guess what? I got the evil stink-eye from the fat ladies because I wasn't fat enough! You just can't win.

Marja said...

Hilarious Meggie I needed a laugh although yes I can here your sorrow
I know so well these feelings in the shops en always get a shock of myself when I look in the huge mirrows which seem tomake everything worse and than these shop girls Aaargh

I can also relate to the weather We have here in NZ the cloudiest winter ever. Usually you get these nice clear bright winter days Noop
not now. Hope it is over soon

Sent you some hugs than That's all we can do for now

Pauline said...

Meggie, you speak to a universal problem it seems. I wonder, if the mirror had never been invented would we all be better off? I try not to look in one any more often than necessary for I do not recognize the person I see there who is apparently trying to impersonate me. (It could be worse of course - we really could all be going naked!)

Teodolinda said...

Oh Meggie I send you a great and strong hug.
ciao ciao

PhilipH said...

It's not just you ladies who might now struggle with suitable size choices.

I look with great envy at some of the slim-fit shirts and Italian style suits on offer. Ok if you still have a 28inch waist - such as when I was in the RAF. Now I need a 50% increase on that 28" size.

The slimfit shirt would blast off all the buttons were I to kid myself into buying it. The trousers would have a ripping time too! Never mind. Musn't grumble. That's life.

Kathy's Klothesline said...

I hate shopping in those establishments where the clerks feel they are better than you. I once had a store clerk try to direct me to the larger sizes (I was shopping in the young junior sizes for my daughter). It struck me wrong, why should I have to explain what I was spending MY money on. So I just looked her up and down in the same manner she had treated me to and said, "Oh, did You buy THAT here?". She left me alone to shop.

Jellyhead said...

Yes, Meggie, I have been having exactly those thoughts lately (well, not suicidal thoughts, but thoughts of self-loathing). I have put on some 'winter weight' and everything is straining.

The thing is, Meggie, you are gorgeous to every single reader here (and yes, we HAVE seen photos of you, too!) - not just because you look lovely but because of your warmth and wit and kindness. Remember that you are beautiful and that nasty shop assistant is NOT!

The Sagittarian said...

Haha, well put. I go shopping with my 14 year old (she has progressed over the years from T & T, the warehouse, Farmers..and now to Supre) and it amazes me how any of the staff can hear! The music on those places is so deafening and the staff all seem preoccupied. I literally HATE clothes shopping for myslef...

Anonymous said...

Oh lord I hate clthes shopping for that very reason. (shudder)

Pat@Back Porch Musings said...

Shopping online has helped assuage my pain!

Love the photos of ducks and chicks.

ancient one said...

Shopping is such a chore... I hate to even think about it... my girls tried to get me to go with them today.. and I begged off... I have to be in the mood (which comes less and less) LOL

Christine Thresh said...

I loved the chicken pictures. Their outfits were very stylish.

No shopping for me until my last pair of jeans gives out.

persiflage said...

There are heaps of people out there who are totally ignoring our needs. I gave up on high heels, skirts, dresses and anything tight some years ago - with regret - and get about now in stretchy pants, which are comfortable even if they do not look good. And the younger generation never contemplates the possibility that they too may share this fate.
However no one can stop me wearing purple. Ha!
Certainly all privets and lantanas should be exterminated. And probably the ubiquitous and boring box hedges too.

Anonymous said...

Lovely ducks they are. I used to keep them as a kid. Ducks are funny, friendly and the randiest creatures in the known universe. I think they put rabbits to shame in carnal respects.

Marianna said...

OMG these birds lol

Hey Megan just droped by to say hi! I was on vacation recently and I'm starting to catch up with my favorite blogs :)


MargaretR said...

Oh, Meggie, you are in a cheerful mood :))I have a shop assitant story I was told yesterday. My friend saw a rather expensive t-shirt and she said she'd like her husband's input on this before she bought it. She was asked if she lived in the modern world and that she (assistant) would never ask her DH for his input. My friend's husband is a tease, so he went in with my friend and asked the assistant what she meant. Showing how 'liberated' she was, she burst into tears.

VioletSky said...

Oh, I like that fowl mood I am in now! Love the ducks and chickens. I have just returned from shopping and was in a different foul mood, so can quite relate.

Warty Mammal said...

I love MargaretR's story!

I console myself with the thought that shopkeepers and their assistants will someday be in the 45+ range, with scars from C-sections, gall bladder operations, and appendectomies scattered over their bodies. They will be battling that five, ten, or fifty pounds that relentlessly clings to one's abdomen and wondering how to keep the hot flashes under control.

Not that I wish them ill, mind you.

Anonymous said...

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