Monday, August 1

Paralysis

It seems I am paralysed, which may seem like an insult, to people with physical disabilities.

My paralysis is, I think, in my mind.

I seem to have days where I can think, and can contemplate,  a life to be lived.

But then come the dark days, when rising from the coccoon of my bed seems terrifying, and I cannot see the point in even trying to pretend I am functioning.

I am not sure whether I should blog about this. It would seem, somehow to be, almost obscene. Other people seem to gather their wits, and carry on with their lives.

I could offer no judgement or comment on other's grief path. I suspect we all have to follow our own path in the healing, of a loss by death.

          *************

We have had a birth in the family, which is to be celebrated, with much Joy.

Mum, Dad, and proud Big Brother. We welcome, little Hayden to our wider family.

A daytrip to a soothing beach was pleasant diversion today.
We sat, and listened to the soft swash of the waves, on the small serene bay. We watched young children delight in the sheer joy of being alive, with parents who doted upon them,
The feel of the sand, and the sun, and parents adoration, seemed so full of joy and happy memories in the making.


Ah to be wealthy, and able to afford Real Estate, in that small but beautiful community.

Dreams are free.


New life is always a joy, and this little boy will bring enormous love, I am sure.

Don McLean: And I Love You So.



21 comments:

Connie said...

I hope that life blesses you with more bright days than the darker ones. And that it blesses you with peace that can help you in the lonliest of times. Grief is said to be a natural part of life that one must travel through to emerge on the other side. I hope that your journey is not a long one, but perhaps you will find your way through with a sense of renewal, in spite of the pain, the loss, the darkness.

I do love the profile photo of you and your dear GOM.

xoxo, Dear Meggie

marigold jam said...

I suspect that each of us deals with grief in different ways and there is no right or wrong way to get through this horrible time. But you say you have days when you can think nd contemplate a life and it is these moments which will gradually get more and more till there are more of them than the dark paralysing ones. It's still early days yet and it will take time to learn to live again. Life has a wonderful ability to go on in spite of everything and yours will too in due course I am sure - it will be different but still good eventually and with that little baby in your family you can see the cycle working its way as it should can't you?! Take care and be gentle with yourself - things will improve if you let them.

~Sheila~ said...

I am sorry to read this Meggie. Perhaps your paralysis is depression as well as grief. As one who has struggled with depression in recent years I know that feeling of not wanting to get out of bed. The fact that you have good days is a comforting thing. I'm glad you have Mrs N.N., who to understand your feelings better than she. Your Spring and Summer is just over the horizon, and sunny days always bring some solace to our state of mind. Hang in there and make plans for the future even if right now it seems far off, it may give you something different to focus on.
Thinking of you, and wishing you all the very best...xoxox

Molly said...

I hope, as time goes on, this cloud will lift for you Meggie. They have a saying in Ireland "Time is a great healer." So just hang in there and let the days pass by....and hope.

Isabelle said...

Oh, Meggie, I'm so sorry. I hope the better days increase soon.

Karen said...

it takes time. alot of time. and then one day a memory will come with a smile, a gentle warmth of love and a lot less pain. it will happen. give yourself all the time you need. let the tears flow when they must. know that alot of us are holding you in our thoughts.

ancient one said...

oh yes, a new baby and time at the beach. Sounds like a promise of better times ahead. I know you will never get over losing GOM but you will get past it. Praying for you always!!

Linds said...

Just this - lots of love, Meggie. Hang in there.

There are a couple of blogs (forum type) written by widows, which have been a huge support to me and others which you may want to check out when you are ready. Young, old and in between. Widow's Voice, and A Widow's Might. You are not alone, my friend.

Mary said...

You are in my thoughts Meggie.

with much love.

Pauline said...

Everyone's grief is a personal thing, Meggie. Don't feel you have to explain. I hope that you remember that even in the darkest depths somewhere a candle is shining. Just head for the light. Congratulations on the new babe - plenty of light there, I imagine.

Jennifer said...

Meggie, take as long as you need.....there are no rules for what you are going through, everyone is different. If you want to have a day in bed then do so, if you want to get up and spend all day waffling round in your jammies then do that too. Just don't go shopping when you do, or you will really give the neighbourhood something to chatter about!

Stomper Girl said...

One day at a time Meggie. Thinking of you.

Mrs. Goodneedle said...

Meggie, something told me to drop by today. I am so sorry to learn of your recent loss and of the bleakness that has descended upon your days. Know that I am thinking about you and praying for strength, support and peace through these difficult days. I know that the sun will come out again, in due time. Sending hugs of comfort, my friend, and heartfelt condolences.

Thimbleanna said...

Ah Meggie, I'm so sorry that you've been so sad and broken hearted. It needs lots of time. Thinking of you lots. XOXO

Tanya Brown said...

I'm sorry for the paralysis, but it seems that it's part of your grieving process. Some things are very personal and can't be rushed.

persiflage said...

It is just so hard, and there is little to change that. Hold on to your friends and family. Without such consolation the grief is worse. Lots of love, and constant thoughts of you.

Mimi and Tilly said...

I have just found your blog today, and having read back over your posts wanted to say I am so sorry for your loss. When my beloved Aunt died I found the grief crippling. I had days where I couldn't move or feel anything other than the weight of loss. It took time, and gradually I found joy in life again. Be gentle with yourself. There is no right or wrong in experiencing grief, only finding a way through it for ourselves. You are in my thoughts. Em x

Marja said...

Congratulations with the little one in the fa,ily. It's ok to be sad on your blog and talk about your grief. Maybe it helps a tiny bit to get if of your chest. It must be an extremely difficult time for you. Take good care of yourself and I send you lots of love and hugs

anne bebbington said...

My dear Meggie, the feelings of paralysis you have are totally normal but often extremely unpleasant - one thing that helped me was regular sessions with a bereavement counsellor - see if your family doctor can recommend someone - over here in the UK we have an organisation called CRUSE who support bereaved people maybe you have something similar over there and they could find some help for you - you don't need to cope with this alone and as supportive and loving as family and friends can be it can be immensely helpful to talk things through with someone who knows neither of you (((hugs)))

Kathy's Klothesline said...

Sending you a big hug.

fifi said...

I jUst cant imagine what it would be like to lose your soulmate.

You must be in such pain.

One day you will be able to think of him, and it wont hurt quite so much.
I am sure.
xxxxx