I have been...

I have been the child of a fierce, independent woman, who raised me on her own, with help from her mother. I have been loved by my mother, in distant & sad ways, with little physical affection, in my early years.

I have watched as she poured all the love in hugs & kisses on my children, & her other grandchildren. It seemed to me, as a child, she gave my brother that same physical affection.

I have, as a consequence perhaps, smothered my own children with too many hugs, too many kisses. Though, they tell me not, they are used to my 'smother' love.

I have hurt for my mother, when I learnt things about her, that were never known when I was young. I have hurt for her wounded pride, her soft & gentle nature, she tried so hard to hide. Her shyness, & sensitivity. I have wondered how she had the strength to carry on with her life.

I have been bitterly ashamed on remembering what a problem child I was as a teenager. Ashamed of hurtful words, flung in spite, in the manner of teenage girls, who feel wounded & aggrieved. In self centred ways. Not always unfounded, but then, they have yet to learn that they are not the only ones who hurt.

I have been loved by my mother, through thick & thin, though it wasn't always evident to me. I am sure there were times when she must have disliked me intensely, with good reason.

I have been modestly successful academically at school. My mother was so proud of that fact, since she had not had the chance of an education I had. I wasted the gifts, in a way. I gave up the career I had planned. I became a traveller, I tested & tried life in many different places & styles.

I have been proud to be able to 'become' my mother's mother, at the end of her life. I have been so happy to have the chance to make her final time a little easier. I have been in awe at her wealth of knowledge, her wisdom, her huge interest in the world around us.

I married a man who was deemed HUH 'Highly Unsuitable Husband'. Divorced when I met him, a man from a very different background to mine. A man who had a child from his first marriage. A man who teased me. A man completely the opposite, almost.

A man whose grammar was not quite perfect. A sin! Whose parents had 'bad grammar'. A MIL who was said to be the 'Salt of the Earth'. That salt rankled & stung sharply in the wounds she dealt me, over the years.

I have been loved by that man, for 44 years. We have weathered our storms, shared our lives, & much of our careers. We have shared moments of great abiding joy. We have shared moments of loss & sadness so deep, we clung together to keep afloat. I don't always understand him, & he doesn't always understand me. We really are chalk & cheese. We quite often dislike the same things- a plus.

My mother grew to be fond of HUH. She respected his integrity. He greatly respected her level approach to life, her respect, & integrity also.

I have had children, who have been my pride & joy. I have been blessed with 2 Grandchildren. Also pride & joy.

I have had wonderful friends. Friends that mean more than mere words can express.

I have been heartbroken, felt pain unimaginable. I once saw an interview with Sir Bob Geldof,yes, I know that is not his correct title, but everyone knows him by that name speaking about the pain he felt when Paula Yates left him. He said he could feel his heart physically breaking. I have felt that pain. I know exactly how he felt.

I have been loved in ways I could never have imagined. I have loved people deeply, who were destined not to be part of my life for very long. I have had friends die, leaving unbearable holes in my heart, & my life.

I have been bereft when my parents died. My father, largely unknown. That terrible knowledge I could never get to know him, when he was gone. My mother, clung valiantly on to life at the end, dying surrounded by all who loved her. I was so priveledged to be there.

I have been fortunate to have friends who have lasted a very long time, & they are still my friends.

I have been on high mountains of joy, bliss, & happiness.
I have been in deep chasms, with no light, so black was the despair.

When people say, "If it doesn't kill you, it will make you stronger." I dispute that. It is a lie. It will leave you with scars. Some of them heal over strongly. Some never heal, & quietly bleed forever. That is my experience.


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I have finished the label for the gift quilt. It has flannelette backing, for cuddle. I used a printed label, as I am sure there will be many washes ahead.

Off to the post today!


Cat Stevens, On The Road To Find Out.