While sweating o'er the gravy dish,
I find a verse,
my fondest wish!
(I could wish for worse.)
But I am chained, to do his bidding,
Of mundane chores
clever, domestic ridding,
Shed, along with the
Thoughts of mores,
Thoughts of liberation,
lost in life's Celebration.
MY careful carriage
Of my Obligation.
This post is somewhat of a 'straining at the bit', to use a horsey term.
A most Beloved Aunt, who has now left this life, became bitter, at the end or her life.
Bitter at the memory of her marriage.
Which she came to view as one of constraint, & stricture.
She felt her wishes, and thoughts for the future, their destiny, and general passage through their lives, were suppressed, and, largely, ignored.
I am inclined to agree with her, even though the husband in this case, was a blood relative- as she was. I loved them both, dearly, so it is difficult to cast aspersions.
Last time my BB (Beloved Brother) came to stay, he was quite shocked at how agressive I have become in old age.
Even our Beloved Son, SB, has noted my seeming (hitherto, repressed,) anger at a lot of things.
I told him I feel that it is because I am retired, & I finally feel free to be 'almost me'.
It is long & complicated, but the domestic minutiae is not for public sharing.
I just feel sad, as I stand over the gravy dish, wishing I did not have to perform on demand for anyone else. I wish I could just leave it all until the whirling thoughts were on paper- so to speak- then I could resume at my leisure.
I cannot say I regret my marriage, but I regret the loss of freedom it creates.
I know Gom does not feel that same restraint... or perhaps he does. He feels it is ok to put a ladder in the center of my camellia shrub, & knock half the buds off, while he 'clears the gutters on the pergola'. WTH???
I made the mistake of asking him, if he does it in a subconscious act of spite.
You may imagine the reaction that brought about.
It is not easy to get old.
It is not easy to get old, with a partner who has no hobbies, & whose retirement is slanted to....no particular aim.
We had a wonderful time with the visit of our son. The stay of our Granddaughter..
Today has been spent in slothful rest, watching taped programmes, & almost convalescence, from visitors, & intense family communion.
Radiohead, Weird Fishes_Arpeggi
Monday, April 13