Guilt trip.

It is wet, which is good for the garden, & tank water, & I just hope some of it ends up in the dry dams.
My BFJ tells me they have too much , in NZ, & it is all spilling over the spillways at the Dam they visited on their Rainforest Railway trip.

I tossed & turned all night, thinking about the nasty name I called MIL.
I feel for GOM's sake I should clarify some things.

I was brought up to respect other peoples feelings, belongings & privacy. We did not go near our mother's purse, or look into any of her drawers.

We were taught you didnt 'nose' into other people's things, business or houses. I can still go into my daughter's house & not 'see' the condition of it. I dont care if someone has not done their housework, or the colours dont match. I suppose I was very naive to think other people were the same.

I am usually very observant in public places, but it is as if the detection/observation meter is turned off in people's private domains.

When I met GOM, or HUS as he was then, it was a while before I met his mother. The first time I met her was on a visit to relations, with HUS's daughter, who was 4 years old at the time. It was also the first time I had met his daughter. I was very shocked to be introduced as 'The Barfly'! Luckily the relatives were nice, & just laughed about it, while indicating to me they took no notice of what she said.

In the early days of what turned out to be our 'courtship', I had little to do with MIL & didn't see very much of her. (Perhaps if I had, I would have run!!)I really have no idea how she felt about our marriage, & I didnt realise what a problem she would become after we had moved down to live in 'his Island'.

My first shock came when we were staying with MIL & FIL, until we found jobs, & our own place to rent. I discovered she went through my suitcases, almost daily, & was reading all my letters from my mother. I liked to wash my 'smalls' myself, & I would find they had been taken & washed while I was at work. I used to read my mother's letters, & immediately burn them, which was awful, because I am senitmental about things like that, & love to re-read letters.

We couldnt wait to find a house to rent. But when we did, she came around & rearranged all the furniture. I said nothing, but changed it all back after she had gone. I hate confrontations, & go to silly lengths to keep the peace. But every now & then, as BFJ will testify, I can be pushed too far, & I will rear!!

MIL had grown up very poor I suppose, & then in her early marriage there was a waterfront strike, & FIL had been part of that.It was Depression time, & MIL worked all her married life, & worked very hard, & I suspect at times her job was the only thing that kept the family solvent. She was a skilled machinist, & made mens shirts, & graduation gowns for Capping. She was employed by one of the top retail shops, & always had employment. Because she had seen such hard times, she was a hoarder. She was also known to be extremely generous, & was the mother all GOM's mates turned to for loans, at weekends.

MIL also seemed to be a kleptomaniac, & I will never know the length or breadth of her stealth. She would take little things off relatives, or go & 'steal' fruit. A very complicated person.

The things she did to me sound far fetched & fantastic, & there are times when I retell some of them, that I can scarcely believe I put up with it. She used to break into our house, if we were out, & go through all the drawers & read all my mail- she even stole a letter I was in the process of writing, once!

She was not a bad grandmother to our children though, & they do have happy memories of her. They have a disabled cousin, who spent almost every weekend at MIL's & they loved staying there & spending time with J. MIL was not cruel to the grandchildren, & seemed to have endless patience with J.

MIL, like most people was a very complex woman. She had been eldest girl in a family of 7, & her father was a seaman, who was very cruel, from all the stories I have heard over the years. He was at sea a lot, but when he came home, he tattooed his poor wife, & left her pregnant one more time. They lived on a hillside in the Port & life must have been hard for them. Photographs of the old chap portray a very handsome old white haired man, but with a cruel face. He beat his wife, & children alike. GOM says his grandmother was a small lovely generous little woman. Also his paternal grandmother was very doting of him, & he spent almost every weekend with her, until she died when he was 12, which might be why he is so gentle, & tolerant.


Mil interfered relentlessly, from the day we moved, & when our son was born, she almost drove me mad with her criticism. It is hard enough but to be undercut every day was just too much. I lost my milk, & was a nervous wreck. I dont think I had realised the extent to which she used to pry into our affairs even then.


The final straw for me, came when our children & GOM's sister's children had stayed the night with MIL & FIL. We went to collect them, on Sunday morning, & as my daughter was always Mum's girl, she clung to me. This enraged MIL & she lashed out with her toungue, more criticism, so I just picked up J & went out to our car. MIL came flying out and physically attacked me, pulling my hair & shrieking, & then, I knew she had stolen the letter I had been writing all those months ago. My kids were just shocked & screamed & cried, as she yanked out clumps of my hair, through the car window. Our nephew never forgot that, & I think it changed his view of his Nanna forever, as he often refers to it, with shock, & as he was fond of me, I dont think he forgave her. It changed the way my children saw her, & it was so shocking to me, I was hysterical.

Gom & FIL came running out of the garage where they had been talking, & pulled MIl off the car, & we left. I would not have her in my house for over 6 years after that, & though GOM took the kids to visit, I never would go. She tried to apologise, but I just told her I didnt want her in my life, & that was the end of it. After we moved into the Hotel, FIL, who had retired, but worked as a tidy up man, for GOM, used to come every morning & have breakfast with the children before school, & he used to tell me 'the old girl is sorry'. I just told him I would never trust her again, & wanted nothing to do with her.

In the end I felt sorry for her, & decided one Xmas that it was time to forgive & (almost) forget. We invited them for Xmas, & MIL never took me for granted again, & was always very careful not to pry, or touch anything without asking. I am glad, for GOM's sake, that we came to a peace. I suppose she couldnt help her domineering ways, or her odd personality traits, & to a large extent was a product of her upbringing & circumstances. I dont know that she realised just how destructive her behaviour to me was. After we moved over here to live they came to stay with us, a couple of times. The last time they came was when GOM turned 50, & we could see something was radically wrong. She was beginning to get Alzhiemers. After FIL died we realised how much he had covered for her. It is a terrible disease.

She really was a mix of very complex nature. So generous & kind to so many, yet so strange in other ways. GOM's sister, of the Green Eyes, tells stories of terror, about her mother.

She was just like all of us, a flawed human, with feet of clay.
An Astrologer once told me I would have difficulities with In-Laws- well after the fact! I couldnt help but be surprised though, & wonder if it all 'planned out' for us!