Remember the playground chants....
"Cowardy Cowardy Custard"
Well that is how I am feeling right now.
For some time now, our little dog Honey has had a lump on one ear. From time to time she seemed to be bothered by this lump, & would claw away at her ear.
She has been a little prone to dermatitis, & itches in the Spring. I once mentioned the lump to the Vet, when she was in a frenzy of scratching at her ear. The Vet assured me it was not the 'lump', but was sure to be an ear infection, which small dogs are prone to get.
Duly treated, & settled. However the 'lump' has contiued to morhp into something different. It now turns black from time to time, & seems to 'shed' cells, & recover to a pink 'lump'. After a fashion. Lately it has been quite vile looking, so today I took her to have it examined once more.
This time the Vet- a different one- thought perhaps it should be removed. I agreed, & tomorrow, I take my little Honey in for sugery. Albeit minor.
I know I will be on edge all day, until I can collect her again. She seems so tiny, & I hate the thought of her in any pain. She was so quiet in the Vet waiting room. So timid, & frightened. It was as if she knew. I wish our favourite Vet was going to operate. He is so good with her, & she trusts him. Perhaps he will oversee the operation. The Vet we saw this evening is a new one. Honey was not sure about her.
When we came home, Leo seemed full of concern. He sniffed Honey all over, & then paid attention to her ear.
Here, he seems to be saying, "I am OK! I dont need anything - except a good bath & a haircut!!"
Here Honey is saying, "I will just ignore all this hoo ha, & pretend it isn't going to happen!"
The ear on the left in the pic is the one to be operated upon, & the small dark patch, is where the vet took a sample, & it was bleeding when she finished. I hope it is not cancer, & if it is, I hope it is a cancer that can be 'captured'.
Other exchanges today, after a shopping expedition with
Hitler resulted in sharp words. The Real Mean Cusswords were brought out, in hurt anger.
The endless sifting through the packets, & tins, for duplications or OUT-of DATE items, drives me crazy. I can hear the furtive movements. I finally go out, to find the whole F***ing pantry rearranged!! Guilty looks, sneaky movements...FFS what is wrong with this man??!!
Our daughter is a homecare worker, she deals with people like this every day. I think her blood runs as cold as mine, in worry & wonder. Her Grandmother went 'nuts'. She was officially diagonsed with Alzheimers. She may have just had dementia. She took years to die. She drove all who had contact with her to the point of almost-insanity, trying to cope with her 'insanity'. Her sad, 'missing-ness'. It is so hard, to realise the person to whom you speak, has no real clue as to what you mean.
That sounds callous, but I dont mean it to be. I can't retell here, the trauma & suffering it caused to so many. I try not to think about it. I try to deny it is happening 'close to home'. But, ... I do have to wonder....
Yet, there are the bright & happy periods of normalcy. When you tell yourself you imagined the 'dodgy bits'.
I screeched at him today, that I have to leave. I cannot live with his 'oddness'. His bloody minded cruelty.
'Where would you go?' he snaps. 'You have nowhere'. It all gets too sad.
Then, the tenative apologies. The peace moves. I am too tired. I am too sad. I have not got the energy, to bolster someone else's ego.
Tomorrow, I will keep vigil for my Honey.
Pheobe Snow, Keep a Watch On the Shoreline.