Saturday, December 15

The Christmas Letter.

There has been some talk about writing 'generic' Newsletters to send out to all the rellies & friends at Christmas time.

I have never actually done this, though I used to try to send out letters or at least a note to go with cards, for people I was not in contact with more than once or twice a year.

I have read a witty one, full of fun. I thought to do my own version, with a sort of Colonial twist.


Hi Everybody,
I just thought I would take this opportunity to write to you all, to let you know what sort of a year we have had here Down Under this year.

I will include some of the wider family news in this, as I know the Cousins are feeling miffed at not getting their share of old Uncle Malachi's loot, when he popped his clogs, so they are not likley to be writing any type of greetings, good or bad, this year.

In fact Ry-Dell was talking of saving his money to go over to Ireland to, as he put it, "Kick the Crap out of that old Biddy, Aunt Bernadette for not forcing 'the old Malarky bugger' as he calls him, to rewrite his will. We pointed out that Aunty Bern is dead, so he changed his mind. Besides he has to pay his speeding fines, or they are going to send him off to jail this time. Telling the judge to "Get stuffed you old fart, you judges think you should get off- look at old Einfeld!!" almost got him rearrested.
Leeandra, his mother, was really upset, & his 'partner' Kyarra cried in the court. She had just given birth to their daughter a week before the court case.

She said it was family tradition in their family to always use the surnames of the women, for the children's names, & it seemed very unfortunate to us, that the 2 names she had to choose from were Barker & Harp. We tried to suggest other names but she insisted, so their daughter is Harp Barker Reilly. She says if they have a son she is going to call him Throssby, & we are all hoping they don't have any more children. The way Ry-Dell drives, we are thinking he might still go to jail. It will be sad for Leeandra if he does, as her husband Allox is doing a small stint in Long Bay for fraud.
We hadn't told anyone in the family about that, but he had started up in business with a friend, & they were manufacturing Velevet Lined Crotch Trusses. It seemed a good investment as they got a big order from The House of Slinky Ladies of the Night, in Kings Cross, & began manufacturing the trusses, when Allox was told his partner had gone to Lebanon with the funds, & Allox was left holding the trusses. Poor Leeandra didn't know what to do & she even tried to sell some on Oxford Street to defray costs. The police kept her in the cells for the night until she sobered up, & they let her off with a warning.

Our other Cousins Clarrion & her brother Pancko have not had a very good year either. Clarrion is jealous because Kyarra had her baby, & Clarrion has had 4 different partners trying to get pregnant. She says they must all be firing blanks, as she is sure there is nothing wrong with her.
Pancko had a girlfriend until October, when she left, as she came home to find their son Gazza setting fire to the lounge room curtains, while Gazza had some tart from up the street in the garage. He said they were just admiring his motorbike, which is in parts on the old sofa, but Kylie swore & said he couldn't fool her that the tart's knickers were being used to polish the headlamp. She took Gazza & left, & now Pancko has to pay damages to the Housing Commission for the fire damage. They are taking it out of his dole money though, so he will take forever to pay for it. He is blacklisted as a tennant now, & has to sleep out in the shed over at Uncle Felix's place. He made some joke about Uncle Felix & his pink frilly dresses, but Felix threw the phone at his head, & it broke his nose, so he shut up, & wouldn't share the joke.
I think Kylie has gone back to live with her Mum, Iris.
Iris has had her share of troubles too. She got caught skating at the local shopping centre, where she was terrorising little old ladies, & mugging the teenagers for cigarette money. She was let off with a warning & they confiscated her skates. They are not sure, but they think Gazza has been left scarred by the incident with the tart, & the fire, as they have found scorch marks on the skates, & little piles of paper fires that seem to have gone out around Iris's house, & his bedroom.
Our daughter Desney thought she might go to University, but she missed out by 4 points, even on the recount, so she is working at Mc Donald's now. We are just glad that she has a steady job.
Berto, our son has a good job, but we don't see him very often. He has changed his name now, as he didn't want to be associated with his Uncle Allox, after his shame on the family.
Our other son Darkrid does not get mentioned around here now.He has always been the quiet thoughtful one, but the Juvie judge said he didnt regard stuffing exhaust pipes full of old wrappers, to be the correct method of 'disposing of rubbish thoughtfully'. Tucking them in old people's pockets, or letterboxes, was not a good alternative either, but he did appreciate the fact that at least Darkrid had taken the message to not be a litterbug to heart. He just needed to give the matter more careful thought.
Bert Senior & I seem to be ok. We can still take the car out once a week, as long as we dont go too far, & I still get to do a bit of my wrought iron mongering. I seem to be slowing down a bit though, & dont have as much stamina for it now.

Well I hope you all have a nice Christmas over there in the cold. We are thinking of just going to the beach & sitting in our tent for the day. We will take our Esky, & fill it with ice & beer, & take a few prawns to peel at the beach. We can always bury the shells in the sand, & they can all eventually return to the sea, so we are recycling conscious.

Merry Christmas & Best Wishes for the New Year.
Bert & Gladdy.

12 comments:

joyce said...

I'm just happy that it's not my newsletter. Lol.
Very funny.

smilnsigh said...

There is the best holiday letter! LOL!

I never sent them either. But for years, I hated doing Christmas cards. Got brave and stopped. Love it!!!

I so hope you don't get any troubles with Blogger!!!!!!!! Good luck with slipping under the radar. ,-)

Mari-Nanci

ancient one said...

Funny...

Ali Honey said...

Hi Meggie,
I don't send cards but write a letter with photos and send that instead. Some overseas ones I email( Green version). One year I recall we decided to do a silly letter with heaps of exaggerated impossible things in it and places we'd been; and found to our dismay some gullible friends believed at least parts of it - so haven't done that again!

meggie said...

Hi All, I invited Gom to read this, & he sat quietly reading then at the end he said, "Oh it is fiction! I thought I didnt recognise any of the names!"
Good grief, of course it is fiction! I hope noone thinks it is real!

Catalyst said...

Meggie - I did the same one year except everyone in the family was doing great things . . Nobel prizes, Oscars . . that kind of thing. Some of our recipients also actually believed it.

p.s. Your "family" sounds much more interesting than mine!

Mike said...

Now that would be an interesting family.

bluemountainsmary said...

Whilst it maybe fiction Meggie - can't you just see some people believing it? Dear old GOM!

Angie said...

Absolutely hilarious, Meggie! ROFL I'm like the GOM tho, but sooooo glad I didn't recognize any of the names...there for a minute I thought it was from MY family! ROFLMAO

Fairlie said...

Now that's a Christmas newsletter I'd be thrilled to receive!!

Long live the generic Christmas letter!!

Harmany Quilting said...

What a great mind you have Meggie. You twisted sista.

teodo said...

It's true?
ciao ciao