Thursday, May 17

Impotence- no not that type.

This is just before I get wound up for my RANT for the day!!

Here is my sweet Honey, just sitting behind me, keeping me safe.

And here is Leo, just waiting to peep into my sewing bag. I made it to take to those disastrous quilting lessons.
It was very grudginly admired.
Another lady asked if I would make some to sell. I felt quite flattered.
I made one for DJ too, in fabrics of her choice.

And now on to the Impotence.

Not a physical impotence.

A mental impotence, which leads to damaging, useless rage, which in turn ends in sadness, & other damaging emotions.

What do you do when faced with that type of emotion?
Do you fight back?
Do you take action to redress things- dont get mad, get even?

Someone I love dearly gets constantly damaged by someone they love. I watch this with impotence, because there is nothing I can do.

But I find I wish I had some physical release from the anger I feel. I want to run out & SMASH something. I dont act upon the urge of course.

And I think that pin-sticking an effigy just might work... so I dont resort to that either. And I feel guilty wishing harm upon the person inflicting the harm. I feel as if those thoughts will come back & slap me in the 'life'.

So, do I act, or in this case, not act, out of goodness, doing the 'right thing', fear, or superstition for the consequences? I am not sure.

What do you do for your 'displacement' activity?

I am not sure what I do. I have so many 'displacement' activities. Perhaps now, blogging has become one.

There are times when people just piss me off so badly I wish I was an author so I could write about them, & get my revenge! Maybe that is why I am not....

When GOM gets seriously out of sorts over something he usually does what we in the family refer to as "Eating worms". He goes & sits quietly in an old clapped out chair in the garage, & sulks- ie eats worms. Or he 'cleans out his drawers'. Always know he is feeling very low, if he does that.

One of my sons worries himself almost ill over the state of the world. He beats himself up about things he has no power to change. He has various displacement tactics. He reads a lot.

Another of my sons, who has suffered serious brain damage, is now so 're-patterned' in his thinking, he seems to think in cliches... patterns which he once would have scorned. I was not present for his rehabilitation processes. I am just glad he is alive, & can still think. He is altered forever, but still retains certain personality traits he always had. His survival techniques led him into dark caves & treacherous reefs. He almost could be said to have not survived.

Perhaps one of my survival ploys is to retreat into the past too often.

Not always to the dark shoals & pools. Sometimes my reveries are filled with the sun & laughter. The bright fields of gold, from my childhood.

The friends who walked beside me. My family, who love warts, black moods, depressions, & holes in my thinking... all keep me afloat.

My mother told me I was a very strange child, given to sudden tantrums for no apparent reason. Perhaps the black dog dogged me from birth....

The sun has burnt away the thick fog from the morning- again. We have been getting heavy, thick fogs for the past 4 days. The heavy humid nights weigh me down. I toss & turn, unable to sleep. Perhaps with the sun shining today, I will lighten up!


Aunty Evil said...

Sorry you are unhappy about some things Meggie.

It is very frustrating and angering to watch someone you love be mistreated.

I have done that all my life with my father and his mental cruelty to my mum. Now she has had her stroke, it hasn't made it better, he is writing her off and just wants to slap her into a nursing home.

All you can do is make sure the person you love knows you love them, and that if they should ever need a shoulder, they have yours.

Unfortunately, in so many cases, getting involved only results in you ending up the worst in the world.

My suggestion for release of hurt and anger and frustration and tiredness...

A bottle of good red wine, some cheese and a box of Jatz, (not shared with anybody of course) and at the end of it, when everything around you becomes blurred, a good cry. You wake up the next morning looking like shit, but you feel much better.

Sending you a big cyber hug ((((meggie))))

Tanya Brown said...

It sounds like you're facing some of the toughest things there are, and I'm sorry for that. I can't begin to imagine what it's like.

Regarding the loved one getting hurt, do you think he or she is being abused? (Emotionally, physically, financially, et cetera) Is the person aware that he/she is being mistreated, or under some misimpression that the treatment is "deserved"? Is the person helpless in some fashion?

I think your urge to smash something when you're angry is one of the most natural things in the world. One has to do something with all of the adrenaline!

There are probably those who get relief from meditating or bicycle rides, but I personally find it straightforward and satisfying just to smash the crap out of something once in awhile. It doesn't have to be a negative thing. There are lots of weeds and big clods of dirt that need to be dispatched, and I've heard some say that kneading bread is therapeutic. Home repairs that require nailing are also good; I did a lot of that after quitting my last job.

Does that qualify as a displacement activity? Who knows. Anyhow, I'm sorry the black dog is harassing you. May he put his tail between his legs and depart as soon as possible.

Ali Honey said...

Dear Meggie,
I don't know anything new or revolutionary to say to help you. I feel the pain in your words and wish somehow I could help. Maybe take yourself into the shower turn it on full and cry till you are all cried out. Maybe write a letter to the person who is causing the pain, explain how you feel about how they are behaving and the pain and worry it is causing others - you don't have to send it!

Hugs and empathy from Ali.

Stomper Girl said...

I've heard punching pillows is best because you can't do yourself or it any damage! Dancing is my favourite stress release of course.

Henri said...

Meggie , Knowing something about what and to whom you are referring to I think that perhaps ' Karma' may sometime intervene - My buddhist friend V assures me everything you do is paid for in life -- good or bad . I know in our lives the good which has come our way far outweighs the unpleasant -- so far anyway !

riseoutofme said...

Sorry you're feeling so stymied Meggie.

For your own sake, I heartily recommend that you find a remote place and shout every obscenity, blasphemous, hateful thing that you can think of at the top of your lungs. It doesn't solve the problem but it might get rid of some of the impotence you are feeling.

When my kids were younger and feeling "impotent" I used to hand them a football and point at the back wall and say "10 minutes" or if they were really feeling very bad "20 minutes".

After kicking determinedly and with temper for the required time, they usually felt a substantial amount of relief.

It didn't always solve the problem but it did help to regain some equilibrium.

Don't keep it in Meggie ... let rip in some way.

Mind yourself.

Alice said...

Oh Meggie, I can't begin to imagine your pain. Not just the immediate pain of your suffering friend but also the pain you have suffered over the years, particularly in relation to your sons.

I like the idea of writing a letter, especially if you don't post it, but sometimes I'm sure you need to do something even more physical. Just make sure you don't damage yourself in the process.

Sharing with blog friends hopefully will help a little.

meggie said...

You are all so kind!
I really wanted to buy a punching bag last weekend, at a garage sale. It came with gloves & was hanging on the deck. Another woman & I spent several happy minutes punching it back & forth!! I would have worked wonders for my rage, I am sure.
One of my best friends says to just jump up & down screaming Fuck Fuck Fuck! at the top of my lungs. She swears it works!
I might give it a try!!

A wildlife gardener said...

We are often taken down roads we'd rather not go. I find the power of prayer helps, talking to friends about the problem, and digging in the garden or going for a walk. Sometimes we can't help others though we'd love to. As you say, we are sometimes impotent.

Sheila said...

As long as the person you are concerned about knows YOU care about them and support them, and know you will help if needed there is little else you can do. That same person, probably puts up with what you see as 'mistreatment' because they care so much about the 'mistreater' that they tolerate it.You say GOM eats worms, well in this case the worm might turn and you won't need to feel impotent anymore.
I retreat to happier childhood days too, and/or have a glorious sort out of my closets, do whatever you need to do, as long as it isn't harmful to you or anyone else.
But you knew that..

Mrs. Goodneedle said...

I am so sorry to learn of this impotence going on in your life, your mind, your soul... the frustration, clearly, is in the NOT doing. Maybe physical exercise would help? A good long walk and deep breathing? I need to just walk away from time to time... and sometimes I'm not ready to turn back around and return, either... I keep walking. It helps. Just so long as the injured party knows that they have YOU, there's therapeutic value in your presence. ~hugs~ Meggie Big hugs...

joyce said...

First of all, you definitely are a writer,whether you think so or not. I find a good long walk, preferably in some beautiful natural spot helps. The punching bag probably would have been a good purchase. You could have gotten rid of your frustration and gotten fit at the same time.

jellyhead said...

Hi Meggie,

I'm so sorry you've been feeling churned-up and upset/angry. It is hard to watch the ones you love being hurt. Not knowing the situation, I can't offer any advice except to say I'm sure you will find that right balance of being there and supporting without overly interfering.

As for how to deal with the distress and aggro? - I always find exercise really helps. Not a stroll but a brisk walk, or swim, or whatever. Writing the feelings down. Talking to a good friend. Reading something distracting if all of the above haven't quite settled you.

Hope you are feeling better by the time you read this.

Sending you relaxing thoughts and a hug,

catalyst said...

Meggie - When is used to live in Phoenix and the bullshit began threatening to overtop me, I'd drive up to the mountains to, as SWMBO used to say, kick trees. I don't think I ever actually did that but the forest solitude usually did my attitude some good.

Be well, my friend.

Oh, and I have a granddaughter who used to "eat worms" when she was a little girl.

Isabelle said...

I'm not a puncher or a smasher; I'd go for a walk in a lovely park or garden (I'd recommend Edinburgh's Botanic Gardens, which heal my soul in times of trouble) and then have a hot bath and read a funny book. That is, unless you can actually do anything about the problem itself.

Sorry that you're sad. Hope you feel better soon.

Helen said...

Meggie- i stumbled across your blog as you have so kindly left comments on mine.

please note that i comment on where i have come from, and from where i am going to. as with most of my posts, i write on impulse seldom editing.

you need to advocate for your friend. she is unable too. just like how a parent advocates for a child in school (as the teacher advocates for the class, prinicapl for the school, etc.), you need to advocate for her. it sounds like she is advocating for the relationship and not for herself. step in. what's the worst that will happen, it will stop?

i congratulate you on your lucidity in an angered state. while you have this lucidity, perhaps go see seomone who is trained to provide you with advice on how to deal with it all. while cookies, chocoloate, and wine help most people, most of the time, sometimes we need a bit more than that.

Vita said...

I used to want a punching bag, but where to hang it? Maybe just go to a gym that's got one. A couple things I've enjoyed have been hitting golf balls and digging in the garden. Oh, and lately I've enjoyed poundy pieces on the piano.

V. Igra said...

I'm not a puncher or a smasher; I'd go for a walk in a lovely park or garden (I'd recommend Edinburgh's Botanic Gardens, which heal my soul in times of trouble) and then have a hot bath and read a funny book. That is, unless you can actually do anything about the problem itself.