Monday, November 19

Lying to myself..

I have been lying  trying to convince myself that all these excess parts on me, are given to me  with a purpose. They are added lest I lose my appetite and need the reserves to live on. At this rate I could not eat for another year or so, and I would still not be skeletal!
It would not be so bad, if only gravity did not intervene and drag things down to inconvenient locations.

Not that I want to be skeletal~ I once told my very thin mother that Grandmothers are supposed to be squashy and plump, not thin and small like she was. I was not unkind, and we laughed. One of my nephews once told her that her skin was too big for her!

I tell myself I have recovered from the loss of my Mother, but of course that is another lie. Just as I lie about recovering from the loss of Gom. I wake most nights in a panic, wondering where he is, ...then I remember, he is gone forever.


Sunset, through the Lily Pily. I wish I had a camera with a stronger lens, but I could not really justify the expense.
I treated myself to a Tablet, and I lied to myself that I really needed it. I did not, of course, but am I glad I indulged! I get so much pleasure from being able to sit up in bed, and read my 'mail'. It is another form of lying, because I tell myself I do not need to get up, and start the computer to catch up with news and friends. I can procrastinate, and remain in bed a lot later.


This golden view contained the most brilliant gold 'chunks' that looked almost like symbols. I lied to myself that they were a message for hope for the future, for me. I was frustrated when the camera failed to record how brilliant and unusual they were.

I lie to myself when I go out shopping for groceries, and I buy beautiful fresh vegies, and then never quite get around to using them all. I read my many recipe books, and I promise myself I will try to make some of the best dishes. I lie. I am told this is quite common, and a Health Nurse told my brother she has given up on fresh veg now, and just relies on frozen or tinned. I know of friends who do the same, but I never thought it would happen to me, living in such a privileged country and circumstance, where the fresh produce is so readily available~ if not always affordable!
My Grandmother used to say, "The road to Hell is paved with Good Intentions" Yes, I pave mine daily!




Last night this crescent moon intrigued me, lying under the palm. My grandfather used to say a crescent moon on it's back meant bad weather. I suspect that might have been a lie of sorts, too.


I am not a gambler by nature, but Gom used to love to have his little flutters on horses, pokie machines and Lotto and Keno. I never bother, but yesterday I lied to myself when out with my family for lunch at a Club. I convinced myself I would win on Keno. I did, but it was less than I had invested, so that was another lie! It made me smile though, as I thought of Gom, and how happy he would have been to see me trying. I had a dream that I won a fair amount of money, and so hope springs eternal I gues.


Kenny Rogers, The Gambler.

12 comments:

Catalyst said...

You have to know when to hold 'em and know when to fold 'em.

Karen (formerly kcinnova) said...

I have that lying problem, too -- including being able to last through a famine. Nice to see you on here! Thanks for finding me and commenting. :)

ancient one said...

I have that "good intentions" line down pat. That lying problem bothers me too. Just shows we're not perfect...

I loved your pics of the sunsets and your skyline.

Anonymous said...

Liars we all are ...even the most truthful of us; especially to ourselves. The saying, "The truth will set you free." only applies to God's truth which has the power of hope.

Still, I think you do not lie to Morty, Honey or Zane. Their trusting eyes burns through any will to lie. :)

God bless.

Marigold Jam said...

It's not lying it's encouragement in some cases at least! Lovely photos.

Sheila said...

I lie to myself all the time. "Tomorrow will be different, I will get up before 10 o'clock, I will eat properly, I will go for a walk, I will do some housework" Then, lying in bed at night I realise I have done none of those things.
But hopefully, there's always tomorrow. When I don't do these things I used to feel guilt, because I raised to do the 'right thing'. Who is to say what is right for me? That was then and this is now, and I try to do what gives me peace and a modicum of happiness.
It's not that I have given up, more that I have decided to please myself.
I think it might be more fun to age disgracefully..!!

Sheila said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
lovelyprism said...

Sometimes we have to tell ourselves those little white lies just to get by. A little hope and encouragement for the darker moments. I prefer to think of them as hopes and wishes rather than lies. Sometimes it's all in the semantics!

Unknown said...

How strange Meggie - over here in England we always say that a crescent moon laid on its back like that forecasts a dry spell as it's holding all the water in it. Don't beat yourself up about fibbing - indulge yourself my lovely and be gentle on yourself. As for the waking up and panicking about GOM not being there it will diminish I promise you but I can't tell you when as we're all different but when I was widowed my doctor referred me to a bereavement counsellor - I visited her with great scepticism but she helped me enormously as I could rage about the unfairness of everything without upsetting someone who was also hurting and have a bloody good bawl without feeling like people were sick of hearing me, she gave me the strength to cope and move on to accepting a different viewpoint - give it a try what do you have to lose and it may help xxx

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The Sagittarian said...

Love that song!!
We had a firey sunset the other night too - very orange, something not too common here really.

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