Sunday, August 4

Winter's bitter gifts.

These may not seem like winter's gifts to anyone. However they were our "gifts" however hideous they may seem, and indeed are. The poisoned chalice.

I realise some of my wonderful Blog friends have not heard from me for some time, and that is because my life has turned to utter custard, shite, bullshit, agony, it what you will.

My beloved son, passed away on June 21st, after a hideous death process, from metastatic cancer. He was initially diagnosed with cancer in his foot. A very rare cancer, which is almost arcane in it's existance. No treatment or cure, and very little known about the type of sarcoma.
He had his leg amputated, to supposedly eliminate the cancer, in May 2012.
The next months of his life were to be hideous and gruelling. Full of mourning, agony,  and bitter regret. He never recovered from the shock of the loss of his leg, and he never had a decent prosthesis in the time he spent supposedly healing and adjusting.
He never did heal properly, nor did he, or I, adjust and accept the amputation of his leg.
From all the information he/we gained from the internet, limited though it was, concerning his particular cancer/sarcoma, we knew he would get metastasis, though no one thought it prudent to explain that to my son, when they took his leg.
As it happened he was diagnosed with metastasis in December 2012, and it had spread to his lymph nodes, in his groin. 

I don't really wish to write about the ensuing months of his agony. The horror of his death, begging me to kill him, as he suffered so terribly, when all the palliative care drugs failed. No one to blame, but something no one should ever have to endure.
I was glad I was able to keep him at home, as he had a particular horror of dying in a hospital.

I have days when I am so paralyzed with horror, I just cannot think or function really. I have days when I am almost a robot, on auto pilot. I am numb and frozen, and a grief counsellor suggested this is a protective mechanism my body has, lest the full horror of it all floods my being, and the result would be total insanity.

You may ask what could possibly be a 'gift' from this. It is the gift that my son has no more suffering to endure. No more mental terror, and horror, at his situation. No more pain. No more anguish.

For me it is horror in the memory. But, for him it is blissful, painless release from his unspeakable suffering, both mental and physical.

The song that was played at his service, was "Comfortably Numb" by Pink Floyd. I think he would have approved.

He loved a lot of his short life,he enjoyed so much music and fun with friends,  though he despaired at the "last days of Rome" nature of life as it is now. A part of me is glad his suffering and endless struggle  with ethics and 'real life' are over.

Who ever wants to lose a child. A baby that was carried and formed in your belly. It is wrong, ....wrong.


Marigold Jam said...

Oh Meggie! What can I say? You must be suffering so much and for this to have happened when you were still reeling from the loss of GOM too. I know there is nothing I can say or do to make the slightest difference but please know that I am thinking of you and if you ever want to write to someone to let it all out as it were you know where I am. You will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers and I hope that you will eventually find some sort of peace after all you have been through in these past few years.
Love and a virtual hug.

Cathi said...

Oh, Meggie! I am so very sorry! You have had an unspeakably awful few years. I hope you will find some measure of peace as the weeks and months pass. Lots of gentle hugs from here.

Ali Honey said...

That all sounds ghastly Meg. I am so sorry for you. Please accept my sympathy. Stuff like that just shouldn't happen.
There will be no answer to "why?"

Strive to endure - look at the clouds - you love that. Look at the flowers and birds and trees, walk when you can and try not to be too bitter as it will damage you more.
Sending loving thoughts and a breath of BOP air your way. Ali.

Karen (formerly kcinnova) said...

"Comfortably Numb"... that really hits, doesn't it?

I wish there were answers but I know there are none. The pain of losing a child is like no other pain and one that no parent should ever have to face -- those are words spoken by every grieving parent I have known. You have joined a sisterhood of which no one wants to be a part. I hope you can find others with whom these things are understood, where you can gain comfort.

And I hope you can see and feel the love of your friends.

ancient one said...

So sorry for the things you've gone through lately. I hope your spring and summer will bring you peace and happiness. XX00

Jennifer said...

Meggie, I'm so sorry. When you hadn't posted to your blog for a while I knew things were not going well. If it helps I am sending you a hug. Please take care of yourself and let nature help with your healing.

Helen said...

Dear Meggie

I am so, so very sorry you have lost your dear son. Take comfort in the knowledge his suffering is at an end.

Quilty hugs.

persiflage said...

Dear Meggie, it is so dreadful and difficult for you, as it was for your dear son. He had the blessing of your wonderful love and care, which must have given him some solace amidst his awful suffering.
I think about you a lot, knowing your bereavementfor the loss of both husband and son is far worse than mine was.

Catalyst said...

You've been through a lot in the past couple of years. More than anyone should ask. But you have persevered, in spite of your grief. The fact that you can write, openly, about these passings is proof that you are stronger than you ever may think.

Love, love, love.

molly said...

desr Meggie ---So sorry about all your trials of the past few years culminating in every mother's worst nightmare. May your son rest in peace, and may you find some peace for yourself. Hugs from Florida.

Thimbleanna said...

Oh Meggie. I'm so very sorry -- you've had such a rough few years. You've left me with tears in my eyes and nothing really to say. Sending you big hugs and hoping that time will help with the incomprehensible sadness. XO

Pam said...

Oh, Meggie - nothing helpful for me to say either, except that like all your bloggy friends I'm so, so sad for you. I can't imagine anything worse than losing a lovely son or daughter. Many hugs from me too.

Pauline said...

Surrounding you with love and light, Meggie.

The Sagittarian said...

Meggie am so so sorry to hear all this (and even sorrier that I haven't visited your blog recently), things have been crap here but nothing like what you have been going thru.
Sending you a hug. xx

Anonymous said...

Oh Meggie, you came to my mind, so I wandered over here to see how you were, only to find this. I have no words, but I have immense sympathy and emotion for your awful loss. Please know you will be in my thoughts and prayers. Kitty xx