Sunday, March 10

What the ????

Just trying to post a normal post.
Get all these new and confusing questions.
I know it is a long time since I have posted, due to 'reasons', but what the hell?? I just want to post a little news....or not, depending on how interested anyone might be, or how much they 'give a shit'.

I know if you scratch the surface of anyone's life, you find crap and grief unlimitted.

Some of you might know, that over the past 3 years, my life has turned to custard, or more likley curds and whey.
My Gom died, a sad death, at home here with us to nurse him, and care for him, every step of the way.
When he died, it ws a merciful death, with an absence of pain and a majority of relief for him, from his suffering.
As a family, we were devastated. I guess most families experience these feelings of despair and hopeless grief.
My son suffered particularly and needed some detoxing for his newly developed alcohol addiction. He successfully completed this course, and was planning his new life and career. He lost 21 kilos, swimming and exercising, and he nursed me through a very troublesome knee replacement with hideous complications.
Then we were dealt with the blow of a diagnosis of a cancer, rare, and strange, in his foot, after 6 months of complaining to the same GP, about pain and a growing lump in his foot.

Initially, I refused to believe it could be a cancer of any type, let alone a sarcoma. It is so rare, noone had really heard about it. The end result of that, was they amputated his leg, below the knee, and he was lied to, and told his cancer had gone.
It truly was a lie, and he now has metastatic lymphatic tumours of this rare, inoperable and untreatable cancer. In reality he is dying. He is 45 years of age, and struggles to come to terms with this prognosis. Every day is a new torture.

He was initially going to sue the GP, who kept fobbing off the foot pain, as 'catastrophizing'. He decided he will likely die before the case would come to court. However we have lodged complaints re the doctor in question, and he is no longer consulting with patients. I have little faith in that minor detail, but I had my own complaints to lodge regarding his dismal performance as a GP.

We feel that, essentiallty, the GP assigned a death sentence on  my son, because of failure to idenify early tumour. Once it has passed a certain size, death is almost guaranteed. He did not have the relevant tests performed, and eventually my Son had to beg for an Ultrasoud. Which immdediately rang hideous alarm bells.

I have been struggling with all of this, as you can imagine. I thought I was going insane or suffering dementia. So many things I have found difficult to deal with. Now I have a diagnosis for my f@ckwittedness, and hopefully the injections will help solve this damned health glictch. Left untreated, it said death in 3 years. You have no idea how inviting that sounded!

I mostly try to maintain light and ludicrous views of the world. I give up. It is too much of a struggle just lately, and when I can cry, it is such a relief.
I feel like a monstrous balloon that is filled with all sorts of horrible stuff, and I just with someone could burst the balloon, so  I could cry. And when I do manage to cry it is like a floodgate, with no stopping the overflow. I guess the resultant relief is worth it, but is it horrible to have meldowns unexpectedly in Doctors offices, or shops.

On a lighter note, I have received some beautiful hugs, from complete strangers, when I have had some embarrassing breakdowns. Most people can be so kind, when the occasion calls for it.

My son says people are no damn good, but I dont believe that, and I think most people are good when necessary.

Time to retire,
Buddy Holly. Raining in my Heart.

On another humurous note, my legs and ankles have become something quite alien. They reseble some Aquatic creature, who is suffering from some type of mumps condition, of the webbed feet and ankles. The resulting waddle is remiscent of some constipated Pelican, and consequently, I stump along with mumpy feet and ankles, looking like some non-functioning atomoton. I am now on a drug to prevent this happening....but it would seem to be non effective.
So the waddle walk continues. haha!


ancient one said...

Please don't be embarrassed by your meltdowns. If it gives you relief, that is a good thing. If my arms could reach you, I'd be hugging you too. Life IS hard !! I am praying for you and your son.

Ali Honey said...

Nothing I say can change things for you Meg. I think you have been dealt more than your fair share of troubles.I don't have any answers for you or good advice, but am sending a big hug. Maybe you can hope for a slight improvement in the future....I really hope so. Love from Ali.

persiflage said...

What a hard time you have had and are still having. My heart goes out to you and your son. I think about you often.

molly said...

Dear Meggie---So sorry to hear of all these crosses you're having to bear! What horrible luck for your son to happen onto such a "doctor..." Sending you hugs and deep calming breaths to help you bear it all.

Emma said...

Dear Meggie, I am so sorry to hear all of this. I will hold you and yours in my thoughts, as little help as that is.

Anonymous said...

Dear Meggie, am remembering you and your son in my thoughts and prayers. Nothing wrong with the is a necessary release.

Jennifer said...

Oh Meg.....what can I say...sending you a hug too. Crying is good at this time.

Anonymous said...

I think of you often, Meggie. We have shared a bloggy friendship for some time now, are nearly the same age, and here I sit at the keyboard trying to think of words of wisdom. You remain in my thoughts (and prayers too, as I've mentioned in the past). I wish I could reach out and give you a real hug, and offer you a shoulder on which you could cry your heart out. Sending cyber hugs over the miles between us. xoxoxoxoxoxo

Karen (formerly kcinnova) said...

I have no wisdom to offer, no words of guaranteed comfort or respite from pain. I wish to heaven that I did.

I am angry alongside you, and I cry alongside you when I read what you share here.
Life isn't fair, and what you've been going through is worse than unfair. I'm so sorry, Meg.

Linds said...

You know I hear you, Meggie, and I so wish I were closer and we could yell in person. And cry. And fight the battles and kick something. Thank the Good Lord for Facebook and fast communication. But it is good to see you back here too. Much love, my friend.

Pam said...

Oh Meggie, I've just read this. And can do nothing but sympathise with your terrible sorrow. It seems so unfair. Hugs coming (uselessly) from me too.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

Meggie, these are troubling times for you. You're in my prayers and thoughts.


Tanya said...

So sorry to read this post... (Actually I've read it twice now... The first time I read it I hesitated saying anything...) I want you to know that I think of you often and hope that if nothing else you feel loved by friends in the blog world.