Tuesday, October 9

Roller Coaster.

Yesterday evening, someone did something so lovely for my Daughter J, I was really touched, & just so happy for her. She has a heart of gold, & deserves some good to come her way.

As she had been so sick during the day, she was not feeling very bright in the evening, & then a lovely opportunity came her way. She was still suffering from the headache, though it had diminished in intensity.

She was given a gift, & was almost overwhelmed. There really are some wonderful people in this world. The gift will make her life that little bit better.
Like all mothers, I was just so thrilled for her, & felt her happiness keenly. It put me on a great high, to see her so happy.

I came home feeling wonderful. A later phone call from her changed the mood instantly. Why do some people have to ruin the joy for others. What sort of spiteful anus jerk, would deliberately set out to spoil someone's pleasure. What do they get out of doing that? They must feel there is some bitter payoff for that sort of behaviour. Is it a feeling of power?

It is a form of abuse. Mental abuse. It is becoming more & more of a regular occurence. It breaks my heart. The change in the abuser's personality is very marked. It has been deteriorating for a while. In 8 years, it has been a gradual process. I hesitate to mention something such as this on a 'public' place. But it colours my life, as well as the lives of those I love.

I feel so helpless about it all. There really is nothing I can do. I intervened once, with positive results, on behalf of someone, who had no one else to go to bat for them.

I feel I can't interfere now, in this instance. The situation is different. But it still makes me feel ill. I hate injustice of any sort. I hate to feel so enraged on someone else's behalf.

I feel, to some extent, we are all a combination of our upbringing, & our own choices as we mature. What I find heartbreaking is to see patterns of mental, along with some physical, abuse being carried on into the next generation. Perhaps the person is a victim of their upbringing. But to acknowledge that may be the case, & then flatly refuse to seek or accept counsel for it, seems inexcusable to me.

My first instinct would be to walk away from such a person. It is not my choice, in this instance.

Because I never grew up with such things, I don't have answers, I suppose. I grew up without physical violence of any sort. One evening, a wider family discussion was going on, & someone said, "We all got hidings when we were kids, didn't we?"
I calmly said, "We never did."

There was a very loud silence. Then someone said, "Mum always said you were spoilt." Well, maybe, but I never beat my children, & was never comfortable with physical violence of any sort. As to mental cruelty, I think that can be more damaging than physical, because you cant always see the damage, and I feel it lasts far longer, with far deeper wounds.


But look!
We had a wonderful visitor! He is blonde & huge, & muscular, & just beautiful!
His name is Boof, & he is such a gorgeous natured young gent!
Honey was not exactly approving, but as long as she could sit on her Daddy's lap, she was prepared to accept he may be tolerable.
And he was more than willing to share his huge tongue with anyone who wanted!
Leo was banished! He would not play nice! "This is not fair! It is my yard! Why am I locked inside?" We were afraid he might deafen the neighbours with his protests, & poor Boof complained when his tail got nipped!

Here is all of Boof, & you can see what a truly lovely dog he is. A beautiful Golden Retriever. He has a sister called Zari, who is just beautiful too. She is older than Boof, & she is much smaller in stature. But she has an equally lovely nature.
Sitting at the traffic lights, watching the pedestrians waiting to cross.
M " I see fishnet stockings & hot pants have made a comeback!"
Gom, glancing over, at the young girl, with shapely legs, & yes, fishnets, & hotpants. "Hmmn, yes."
As our Daughter J says, she has never seen her father 'ogle' a woman or girl, in all her life. Unlike another poisonous individual who shall remain nameless.
In the Mall, waiting to be served.
Gracious Lady. "Oh Hello! Do I know you from somewhere?"
M, "Nooo, no I don't think so."
GL. "But you look so familiar. I am sure I know you from somewhere."
M, "No I am sure I have not met you before." Thinks, 'but you look so nice, I wish I did know you!'

Bread, If.


Mary said...

So much to think about here Meggie.

I think my father brought out the strap four times in all the years we were growing up - all seven of us - and the last time was when he went down to smack my brothers only to find them bent over their beds with pillows over their bottoms ! He came back laughing and laughing and that was that!

I am so sorry for your lovely daughter - no one deserves to have their happiness punctured by someone so mean spirited.

Aunty Evil said...

My mum used to belt us, and dad never did, and yet, we grew up far more scared of dad than we did of mum. We are much closer to her too, bizarrely enough.

Anyway, I am so sorry about the mental cruelty to your daughter.

I have watched my dad do that to my mum for as long as I can remember, and it is devastating. If we tried to do anything, or say anything, he would take it out on her. Never lifted a hand to her, but the mental stuff is just as damaging.

~Bren~ said...

Bruises to the spirit last much longer than bruises to the flesh. I am sorry your daughter's wonderful gift was spoiled. Is it not amazing that a child who does not get the crap beat out of them is looked upon as spoilt?! I am thinking the foundation you gave your daughter will indeed help her to recover from the abuse she has received and remind her of what she deserves. The golden is wonderful!!! Poor Leo.

Joyce said...

We were not punished by hitting either and I didn't hit my kids either. I think it's by far a better way to talk to them and use reason.
I'm sorry for your daughter. It makes you feel so helpless to see that going on and be powerless to stop it.

Ian Lidster said...

Abuse is something I have less than no tolerance for. It's a dreadful thing. My father was a severe taskmaster and while there were often threats of spankings etc. in my childhood home, there was actually never any hitting. Lots of yelling, but no hitting.
Otherwise, all men ogle, but some just try to be circumspect.
And I love your golden visitor.

Sheila said...

If we could see the scars left by emotional abuse, I think we would be shocked at how many people suffer from it. Your daughter is fortunate in that she has loving and decent parents to help and support her, and because of this she knows there are good people out there. It must be hard to bite your tongue, and very stressful for you too.

Anonymous said...

Meggie , I must admit that I can remember the very odd ' tickle ' or two around the legs with the remains of D's old razor strop when things got a bit fraught & I was deemed to have got a bit out of hand -- Haha .Most times there was only the mention of the possiblity of the use of it needed to rein me in . For our three sons I can not think of more than one or two occasions ,ever ,when any one of them got even a pretty gentle pat on the bum from me
You will already have my thoughts on J's situation anyway .
Even I think the GR to be a lovely looking fellow ! ( as long a someone else owns him )
I'm with Ian to a certain degree -- I think many men & boys do notice women & girls in passing( human nature , surely ?) -- There is a huge difference between a quick glance of admiration and actively 'leering' at or' ogling' someone though .
Many ' Happies' for J.

Pam said...

However old our children are, we're still lionesses defending our young, aren't we? Hope things get better for your daughter.

Mike said...

My father only used "hitting" as a last resort. My mother was a completely different story. My kids are all 8 years apart so as it turns out I was 8 years older with each. When I look back at how I dealt with each of them, I am sorriest for my oldest daughter because I had the least patience with her. She seems to have turned out fine though....despite my lack of patience.

meggie said...

Hi All, I was not above a sharp smack or two, if I thought it was deserved, but never 'thrashings', as some of my friends got or gave their kids. We got the odd smack too, but only out of desperation. It is mental cruelty I detest. The setting up of a child is so easy, but to me, it constitutes sadistic behaviour. I wont even tease kids- I hated to be teased as a kid.

Tanya Brown said...

I was thinking of you and your little white dogs the other day when my son and I encountered a sweet little fluffball with a delicate pink tongue at the park.

I'm sorry for the situation your daughter is encountering, and you needn't feel guilty for mentioning it. You're always quite discreet, after all, and one of the blessings of these blogs is being able to relieve stress and work through things a bit.

I hope your daughter can get out of this situation. Mental abuse leaves scars that are every bit as real as physical abuse. In some ways it's even more insidious, since it can take a long time to realize that one doesn't deserve it, or even that one is being abused. If SG is involved in any way, the situation is even more serious.

I don't know the nature of the situation, of course, but I am sure you are doing the right thing: standing by your daughter and keeping the lines of communication open so she can come to you when she is ready. I wish I had had someone who was as wise and good as you.

Lucy said...

Hugs, Meggie.
You've written of it before,indirectly. Don't worry, I think you'll only find support here.
The odd slap doesn't constitute physical abuse, but I don't think real physical abuse takes place without emotional and psychological abuse into the bargain, so I'm never sure when people say the mental kind is worse than the physical. I suppose the problem for adults in such an abusive relationship is that you can say -'if he ever hits me that's the limit, I'm out of it', whereas the psychological stuff can build up and the boundaries are not so clear, especially as an abuser generally has ways of undermining the abused confidence and judgement, and assuming the power in the situation. Your sense of powerlessness reflects this too.
I do hope your daughter finds a way through, and as others have said, it's good to know that you'll be there in all the right ways.
I could comment lots more on such a thoughtful, matter-filled post, but I'll get along now!