I wonder how I missed September?

So long since I have been on here, I have forgotten everything I thought I once knew!

I seem to live a busy life, doing nothing. I know, that is impossible, but that seems to be what happens.

I spend a lot of time tripping about with my son, as he goes off to various clinics and appointments.

He is getting a new leg cast and should have it next week. The one he has now is very ungainly, and we are shocked at how primitive it all seems- it is the 21st Century for goodness sake.

His wonderful friends had a Benefit night for him, to raise funds to help him get a better leg. The System of public health is broke and broken, and even the technicians who make the legs agree, if there was more money, much better quality legs could be provided. One poor old man has broken his shoulder, because he cannot have a waterproof leg. He falls out of his shower. It is disgusting.

Son's friends came up from the City to share lunch with us, and present him with the cheque of a huge sum of $10,000+ raised by all his friends and well wishers. It was quite overwhelming for him, and an emotional time.

This pic below is of self, Son-in-law & daughter, then SG and Granddaughter. Son is peeping out over his sister's shoulder. He is sitting with some of his friends.

This pic is of Mrs N N & I. It was a beautiful day, and we sat out in the beer garden until it was time for lunch.

Here is Son, having his lunch.

In other news, we have a new member of the family! He is a wonderful rescue dog, and he is definitely Son's dog. He is called Zane, and he has stolen everyone's hearts. He is supposedly a Corgi X Chihuahua, but who knows. All we know is, he is adorable, and follows Son about all day and sleeps on his bed. I go down to say hello, in the mornings, and Zane just lifts his head, then snuggles down into Son, as much as to say "You can go now, we are quite OK".

Zane at his Master's Foot.

I had a kiln that I had used for my doll making, and I knew I could no longer lift heavy things, nor would I use it again. I decided to sell it. I listed it on a website and waited for months, with enquiries and scammers contacting from time to time.

I just had the feeling it would eventually go to the perfect owner.

And, Yes! it did. This beautiful lady came to see the kiln, and she bought it immediately. She told me she had lost out on several bids for kilns on eBay, and was so glad to find mine.

She makes the most beautiful glass beads, and she showed us some of her treasures. She had been to USA and had traded and bought beads, and lovely little glass trinkets.

She has a blog:  http://capricorndancer.wordpress.com

She also has an etsy shop ; http://www.etsy.com/shop/CapricornDancer

I fell in love with several of her beads and must go back to visit her shop.

I know the kiln has gone to the perfect home, and I am so happy.

I have had a foot problem, but I don't think there is anything to be done about it. A combination of arthritis and another problem, but I am very wary of any mention of surgery. They have decided they dont think it is malignant, so I can live with it.

No dancing the light fandango, but then, I never wanted to these days, anyway!

I can only wear flat shoes and have to be very careful of the fit. I don't mind though, as I once had and wore all the lovely shoes I wanted, and I am grateful, because some people never get that chance.

I must go and write some thankyou letters and reply to friends who wish to visit.

I am 'dog-sitting' Honey and Zane, as Son has taken SG off to the movies.

Simon & Garfunkel, Bridge Over Troubled Waters.

Dear Neglected Blog...

The Free Treats seem to be (bloody missing_) sparse, recently.
I have not been to visit you, dear Blog, and I confess I have neglected you, sorely.

I dislike blogging about the sadness and ugly bits of my  life, peferring to find the 'free treats'.

It can be very difficult, when you seem to be up against the wall, and out of all 'luck'.

The 'free treats' vanish, in the dross and dilemmas of the everyday plodding along with my life.

I still enjoy smelling my freshly sun-dried washing. I still love the feel of fresh sheets on my bed.
I try to look for the small things, that can make a day. The free treats, that we least expect. Some of mine are the sudden smell of blossoms- one being my Daphne shrub's heady flowers. Now the Jasmine is blooming, and spreading it's beautiful perfume around our airspaces.

My Son had a wonderful Auction Night, arranged by his friends, in the suburb where he lived for 16 years.
It was a magic night and it raised a lot of money to support my son.

We did not attend. I was carer for my grandson, as his parents attended the Fund Raiser.
Son was too overtwhelmed and embarrased by his friends support.
My daughter and son in law attended, and were blown away by the support for Son.

He received crushing news today re his payments from Centrelink. He does not qualitify for a 'Disability Pension' because he is not deemed to have a 'disability'. As he says, what part of his amputated leg will grow back, to change his disability?

He had regressed, as far as his stump is concerned. He can no  longer bear to wear his prosthetic leg, and the reason is the swelling of his stump. He was advised today, to leave the prosthetic off, and rest his stump, for a week.
It is very frightening, as he has had an Ultrasound, and no one can tell him the results, as yet. Tomorrow he goes back to see his GP, who had the Ultasound done. The 'Specialist' who handles his rehab, was not available today. He was sent a report on the Ultrasound. Tomorrow Son goes back to GP for results, and further referrals.
It seems some people get their money, and repautation, by doing nothing.

On another front, we have been searching for a small, well behaved dog for Son. We don't seem to be having much luck, and I wonder about providence, or whatever it may be called.

I  have a friend wo believes in "Putting it out, in the Universe". I wonder what part of the Universe had decided to sh!t on us today.

Ah well, our lives go on, regardless, and we are just a small blip in thr greater plan, as it is said.

I will not post my usual music link. I believe it is too large, to the file of the blog...or something of the sort.
All I can think of, is Que Sera Sera, as sung by Doris Day, & I am sure noone remembers that!

It will soon be Spring.

I know, we are still in Winter's grip.
But, I keep thinking of Spring, with the influx of flowers and the beautiful perfumes, of the Spring flowers.

My Daphne is currently flowering, and providing me with joyful memories of my mother, who loved Daphne so much, and it was always in bloom for her birthday, on July 17th. The perfume is a Free Treat.

I have other 'Free Treats' in the form of wonderful neighbours, such as Mrs N N. She is always there for me, no matter what. I really appreciate that lovely friendship. I always know, that whatever comes, Mrs N N will be there for me.

And another Free Treat has arrived from another lovely friend, in the form of 'Game of Thrones'. I now have the first 3 books, in paperback, and also the whole five books on my phone. I love the free treat of being able to read, in bed, at 4am, or whatever unseemly hour, on the phone. It truly is, a Free Treat, to have these books loaded for my reading pleasure.

I often think of my Grandmother, and know she would have loved this new technology. She would have relished reading her bible, in her bed, on frosty mornings. She was a very forward thinking person, and would have loved the advances that technology have made.

Some days are diamonds, and some days are stones, but somehow the spirit? lifeforce? keeps me going on.

We have found beaurocracy to be mindless and cruel, beyond anyone's belief. No treats there, free or otherwise!

Late I know, but I have always loved this song. And, after all, Aussie is good!

Ebb and Flow.

It seems that life is an endless flow, of ebbs and tides, that engulf me unexpectedly. I know they are there, and I know they will happen, but I never seem to see them coming.

The huge tidal waves wash over me, with their seemingly random swells.
I am always surprised, when I wash up upon the shore, and,  filled with sand, and grit, and seaweed, I realise I am still alive.

I have noticed how some people, at first encounters, seem  to be friends, and then they become... well, not so friendly, even though you had previously thought they liked you. And, indeed, you had regarded them as a 'friend'.
There enters a 'tone' or an 'air' to their responses to you.
At first, you think it is your imagination.
Then you slowly realise, they mean the slightly muted barbs, and thinly disguised, small insults.
You wonder what you have done, to bring on this apparent dislike.
You agonise over what small slight, or insult you may have unknowingly given.

Finally you know, it is not you, or your problem. It is their choice, and their problem, for whatever reason they choose.

It is quite liberating to choose, to disregard their choices, and move on with your life.

After all, a friend is someone who likes you.

There have been some wonderful Support/Care Workers my Son has had in past weeks. One lady in particular, was very intrigued by Son's juicing of fresh vegetables. She was amazed at how lovely the celery/carrot/beetroot/ginger juice smelled. She did decline to taste, but it may be because it is rather expensive. Vegetables just dont get cheaper!

We wish we could grow our own, but our land does not lend itself to gardening. Not that Son can do it now, and neither can I. If we had flat land, we could have no-dig garden beds, but alas, that is not to be, as it is all downhill! In more ways than one!

At last, for me, a friendly GP, who agrees with me not wanting to take drugs to keep some mythical 'quality' of life. I am so glad to have met him, and found him sympathetic to my views, and beliefs.

Drug companies seem to have menacing influence on the beliefs of all of us, that we need these drugs to survive. Well, NO we dont. I feel they may prolong life, but at what cost to quality of life?
Of course the Drug companies don't care about quality- they are all about profit.

"My Goodness. Let us keep this corpse 'alive and breathing', so we can continue to reap our profit from their medications."

Ok rant over.

I see the Rolling Stones are planning another Tour.
Good Luck to them. Love most of their music, so choose for yourself which song you like the best.

Grammar, plus Etiquette..

My mother was a stickler for 'correct Grammar'.
As kids, I think we thought she was being weird, and over controlling.
Secretly, we used to say,"Who cares?"

However, as life has moved along, I now give her much repsect, for her teaching, and her wisdom.

She purely did abhor, "I seen" "I done" "you was" and "we was".

One of her pet dislikes was a man, ignorantly, in her eyes,  wearing a hat, indoors.
Ultimate disrespect in her eyes.

Now, I am inclined to agree.
 It seems so 'rude. to my eyes, to see a man wearing a hat indoors, and in company. An old fashioned notion I know, but still valid to my observation. (what is he hiding... his baldness, his ugliness, his lack of confidence??) He is allowed all of these feelings, but he must feel inadequate in some way? Or not?

Then there is the 'man with hands in pockets'- trouser pockets to be exact. I have no idea why my mother found this to be so offensive, but she was rather horrified to see Prince Charles with his hands in his pockets, on public occaions.
She felt is to be an utter insult. The insult was directed to whom, I have no idea. But nonetheless that is what she felt, and believed.

Societies acceptances, and beliefs alter constantly, and I feel this is a good thing.
But occasionally my mother channels through me, and I feel insult at certain behaviours.
I do laugh about it, all the same.
After all, who will care in 100 years??

Sorry Mum. It wont be anyone we know.

Do you ever...

Do you ever get up in the morning, and womder,... 'what the hell am I doing here?'

Have I died, and gone to some parallel universe?

Is this my real life, or some hideous parody?

Surely, nothing could jest about such sadness? Or speak of hope and gladness to be alive, when faced with the reality.

Our ongoing journey seems to be an overwhelming battle, with no light at the end of the tunnel.

We try to think of our distant ancestors, who had nothing, compared to our modern life.
We wonder how they coped. We just cannot imagine. Somehow, the thoughts of their struggles, does little to ease our current pain.

I have recurrant dreams of 'normalcy' when my son still had two legs. I see him walking and pursuing activities involving both of his legs. I see him, as I know him, whole and perfect.
He is still perfect, of course, but he is now diminished in his perfection. Not, in my perception, He will always remian Perfect to me.

We try to turn our faces away, from our own imperfections, and are shocked to see a reflection, of some imperfection society might see in ourselves, or our offspring.

My eldest son has turned 50, and I find it so sad. I wish I had been with him, to mark this birthday, as  I was, at his initial birthday.. He does not, nor ever has, put credence to numbers. As he said, it is just another number, and not to be celebrated, or mourned. He feels he is lucky to be alive, and living his life.

I try not to be Sad Sack.

I no longer trust anyone, and I no longer expect that life will deliver, what we see, to be a fair balance.

It is not so much the lies, as the Sins of Omission that I find so disgusting.

Rufus Wainwright. Hallehujea.

Lost.. One Ka-ching

I have definitely lost my Ka-ching.

You know the one, that says Ka-ching, when you are full, sated, satisfied, nay almost bloated, and need no further food ~ of any description. No matter how desirable a packet of Tim Tams might appear, the Ka-ching keeps you from gorging  eating more than you really need.

I have no idea where my Ka-ching has gone, but if you find it, don't be a selfish mule, and keep it to yourself. Return it to me, Post Haste, before I get to Ka-Boom! as I explode.

Admittedly, I have not been able to get to the pool for two weeks, but how did my Ka-ching vanish so completely in that short time frame??

I did briefly, have a change of medication, which I am told is notorious for weight gain... as in Ka-Blooey!.
I had no idea it would work in such a short time, or, with such explosive consequences.

I am in emminent danger of going Ka-Splat!!

I am so glad I did not cast aside my Fat Clothes. I have learnt from past expeiences, Fat Clothes can be banished to some corner of the wardrobe, or drawers, but they are never to be cast out, which I tend to feel only tempt fate..

Really, it is the speed at which the Ka-Boom has set in, that I find most disturbing.

I am gazing with sadness at my new Ka-Skinny clothes, and have a horrible feeling I may never wear them with comfort, ever again.

The Great "They" say you will feel so much better if you finish things you have started.

Ummm, no. The packet of Tim Tams, the slices of Pizza, the leftover chicken, the bottle of excellent Marlborough Sav Blanc... the list goes on.

And still, a part of me craves food, and more food. I must be Ka-Plooyed/Ruined ~totally minus my Ka-ching.

Perhaps it has become Ka-Chomp?

There is no good news on any other front either. All is black, and blacker.

Although, there was a bright spot today. I went to a local garage sale, & met lovely friends. I bought a shower chair for $4. It is for me, as I seem to be somewhat unsteady recently- put that down to the Ka-Boom, I guess!

I also bought a very nice coffee mug, for very little money.

My friends found a wonderful bargain and hopefully it will be all installed now, and ready to go.

Because I love their sound, Powderfinger, Drifting further Away

Just the Random...

This is a nonsensical post, about the randomness of my (or anyone's) life.

As many of you know, I have had a rotten previous fourteen, or eighteen, or,more  realistically, twentyfour months, in my life.

Life tends to be like that, with random swings to good fortune, and the alternate swing into hell. With no bells, cushions or creature comforts.

I suppose it could be said, that our 'upswings' have no fanfare, either. Other than what we might afford it/them.

We tend not to notice the upswings, and almost choose to register only the downturns.

I have been watching 'Her Maj ' conduct herself with diginity and grace, & we are all aware that her life has not been plain sailing, and she has had to endure some hideous events.
I am stunned, and a little envious, that Her Maj can still wear high heels at her age.
I am lucky to crawl some days, let alone prance about, ~well maybe she is not prancing, exactly~ in low down sneakers.

I had a recent Ultrasound perfomed and the man who was doing the sounding, got into conversation with me.
He told me had been a sheep farmer, and now lives in Sydney, and is learning to like fish on his menu. He also said he will never eat sheep meat again, whether it be lamb hoggart or mutton! Fair enough, neither will I.
I am left kicking myself, for not asking how he became an Ultrasound Technician, after being a sheep farmer!
The question haunts me every day, as I ponder the turn in his life that could have led him to become an Ultrasound technician.
And yes, he is a genuine Ultrasoundist, he did not fall off a passing sheep truck. As he is an older man, I am assuming he took some 'mature age' training. He works for a reputable Medical Center, and did send the results to the requesting Dr.
(Results OK as it happens~ Just in case you are left wondering about the outcome.)

Son came home today, to go through some paces, with various Occ Therapy and Physio persons.
He will be 'let out'  to return home to live, on Thurs, all being well.
Morty was quite happy to see him, and Honey was positively overjoyed.

We asked could he stay home for lunch and he was happy to be able to drive us/himself back to the dreaded hospital, with it's grim room, and boring bland food.

The City Hospital, where his surgery was performed, has an almost restaurant quality food menu, and even some mulitple choices. The horror of the local food has to be sampled to be believed, and yes, I have sampled it, in my recent stay.
Who would have guessed that Lentils could be stuffed up and ruined?

I know my driving slightly 'disturbs' Son, and lately, it downright terrifies me!
I seem to have become 'spatially challenged' as it were, and parking the car has become a task/chore/challenge to be laughed at! Or cried at depending on one's mood.
(Mine is always the diagonally parked vehicle, in the straight parking bay, in case you are looking.)

I am waiting for the opportunity, should someone toot their bloody horn at me, such as the cow who almost reversed into the front of my vehicle, ~ to leap out and offer to toot their horn, while they check my car for dents and damages! Grrrr

It is raining, and has become very cold. We are advised that the weather will be very ugly this evening, with much rain, and high winds. Nothing new there, then. Very inclement.

I have always loved Autumn the most out of all the Seasons, but now, I am finding it tinged with much sadness, and find I regard the dead and fallen leaves with quite a changed perception, and somehow feel it will never be the same for me.
I loved the spectacular Autums in Christchurch, and know now I will never see another Autumn in that ruined city.

Just one more random. Why am I craving nothing but seafood of late?? haha, my childbearing days are well over, and as far as I am aware I have no deficiencies as per diet. My body must be craving something in the seafood and fish, that no other food has to offer.

I have posted this before. I still love it!
Porcupine Pie. Neil Diamond.

Music, speaks so much about our lives...

I am constantly reminded of how much the music we love, or have loved, spells the times of our lives. I still feel this woman has the best voice for most songs she sings. Some of them sound as if she is a true Soul Singer. Close your eyes and I defy you to choose her colour, or ethnicity. I never did learn to 'Jive' that being slightly before my time. But, Man,(to use the vernacular of the day) how I loved to watch the agility and strength, of those dancers! They were awesome, even performed by amatuers. Of coure, Phoebe Snow was later than the Jive era. I fell in love with her voice at a lunch Gom & I had, to celebrate our wedding anniversary- which one, I now forget, but I will always remember the day, every time I hear Phoebe sing. It was the first time I had heard her voice and it evokes memories of that day every time I hear her. Well, this is a bloody awful time of year. And bloody awful memories flood my mind. I am assured this is normal, and is, possibly, the new "me". I want to be the old "me" amd have the old reality, still. Whose arms will comfort me, and hug me, and tell me, "It will be alright". The answer is 'NO ONE' of course, and I have to live alone from now on... inside my head. My Son still has the remainder of his life to live, and cope. I cannot accept the reality in my mind. I have see the 'reality' and I cried. It is so brutal, and raw, and naked. To quote a friend, DANN, BUM, and BUGGER! Which means nothing really, except no acceptance of reality and a rage against the fate that has decreed this shall be our lot. Well Pheobe, I hopw you sleep in eteranal peace.

Scattered...or Shattered.

The images I have are scattered. Some seem to be absolutely surreal, and others seem nightmarish, beyond belief.

On the other hand, (as 'they' say) there are some non~shattering images, to seek comfort and joy in the knowledge, there is still happiness, and there is still joy.

The family is welcoming the birth and health of our latest edition, the "Inuit Princess" as her father likes to call her.

Here she is with her doting Granddad, my Beloved Brother.

I have these out of sequence, but here is the Princess, just after her birth, with her 'big' brother, and adoring Dad.

This was taken about 4 weeks ago, with her gorgeous Mum.

This is the latest pic I have, of the gorgeous Princess, taken -& stolen by me- by her Aunty M.

 And these two family members have just announced their Engagement. Proud Uncle and Aunt.

******************

Scattered thoughts of "Home" which will always be New Zealand.

This beautiful Home, built in the Marlborough area of NZ.  Designed by the owner, Beautiful K, who helped build it all.

The is a view to make me homesick! Those rolling New Zealand Hills!

 I just love this fireplace, with river stones, carefully chosen and set, to make this glorious fire-surround. And... after all, what is a fireplace, without a loved Cat?

I Wish!!

I hope you don't mind me using your beautiful home, to help me feel hope, K.

*****

Family, friends, and neighbours help me keep going.

Al Fresco dining has it's hazards, as copulating flies, plummet headlong into one's cup or Peppermint Tea.

Bugger!!

A fresh cup is requested, and delivered.

The damn teapot lid lands into the fresh cup!!

Bugger, again!

I guess, I was not meant to have Peppermint Tea that day.

My friend almost fell off her chair laughing,...& why not?

We needed the laughs.

Winter has arrived, and we are shivering through very cold nights.

My little Honey keeps me warm, snuggling under the covers.

Three Dog Night. Mama Told Me Not to Come.

Neglected Blog...

Poor old Blog, you are sadly neglected.
I have nothing cheery to write about, so decided to just leave well alone.

BTW when did they change this format for writing a post? It seems disconcerting, somehow. (Yes, yes, I am a fussbudget, who has discovered rather late in life, I hate change! Unless I am warned, or previously notified of said changes)

However, I have been moved to have a rant!!

I go to a local pool, a warm gentle exercise pool, open to the public.
Like myself, a lot of elderly, arthritic, or just plain aching people use this pool on a daily basis.

I have found it beneficial to both my body and my state of mind. The calm and the heat lend a very healing quality to both body and mind. Like minded souls can interact, or just remain private, which is my preferance.

My rant concerns the Yummy Mummies who have decided of late, that a good way to get out, is to take their screaming wriggling shouting splashing little offspring to the pool.

The Yummy Mummy brigade arrive, bearing wriggling, squealing, sceaming and often, bawling, toddlers and babies. The YMs proceed to shed their outer clothing, thereby exposing their newest full back tattoo, or the their shoulder tatts, or worse yet, their hideous bum-crack tattoos.
Why? Why?

Then the cacophanous noise level swells out of all proportion to the space in which the pool is located. It reaches deafening levels as piercing shrieks rend the air.
Meanwhile, Mummy looks on in dotage, as the shrieker splashes desperately, or leaps crashingly, from the side of the pool, despite signs declaring this is a Gentle Exercise Pool. There is to be no Splashing. no Jumping from the sides of the pool.

It seems evident that:  a) the YMs are unable to read.
                          or,:  b) these rules do not apply to them.

Curmudgeonly grouch that I am, I complained one day, and recieved my money back. Small consolation, as it still continues, and even though I know we need to share, in this world, I dont see why we need to share when there is and are, facilities for all other people.

There is a perfectly good heated pool, just for the children and parents or teachers.
There is another perfectly good heated pool where the older 'challenged' with their odd splashing, rough behaviour, and uncontrolled movements,  can be taken for exercise and water therapy.

I have specifically asked on occasion, if the disabled children/adults are in the pool, before I enter and pay my money. I am quite happy to not attend when the pool is required for the disabled or the 'challenged' or even the YM brigade.

I am not alone in this resentment, and have had several dark and muttered conversations with others, who like me, are aged and grumpy, and are seeking a solace from either mental, or physical pain.

I guess I just need to toughen up, and choose odd hours, when presumably, these people who are not in need of gentle exercise, are not in the  pool.
I also realise I may incur the ire of a parent of a disabled child or challenged child.

All I ask, is peace and space and quiet.

************

For any of you who are wondering about my son.
Unfortunately his leg has been amputated and the final diagnosis was Sarcoma of the foot.
It has had a devastating effect on my son, and he is struggling to come to terms with his loss and grief.

He is no longer in the City Hospital, but has been transferred to a Hospital in our region. It seems the Hospital system, and it's supposed Suppot systems, are all broke, and broken. We fight to get any information - including prognosis, plan of recovery, support, medical information. NO assistance from the Cancer Council, apart from one phone call. This gained at the instigation of a friend, who suffered cancer herself, and knows the devastation and grief it all causes the whole family.

My son feels he is in 'The Badlands', and I am inclined to agree. Yesterday it took me almost an hour on the phone to elicit the name of the Specialist, under which my son has been transferred,  where he is currently situated.
This person had told my son that he has been given the second worst type of amputation wound, for fitting a prosthesis.
What kind of madness would possess someone in the medical profession to say such a thing to a very distressed vulnerable and fragile person??
This is partly the reason I wished to speak to this person. This Specialist I was told, was 'not at the Hospital today'.

I feel as if I am going completely insane. Perhaps it explains my despair about the pool.
I have to keep trying to laugh at idiocy, at incompetence, at damned indifference to the human side of cancer, and amputation.
What purpose is served sending an amputee, to speak to my son, who advises all medications they are giving are wicked and e,vil and have unspeakable side effects?

No wonder I feel as if I need to go and throttle something, or kick something... or just get blind drunk.

Rant over.

How am I ??

How can I express the way I feel.
There are no words.
We are still hanging in limbo.
It seems there is no conclusive diagnosis.
Some things have been ruled out...which is great.

On the other hand- or foot, if you like- there is no real answer to the problem.
As a Mother, who firmly believes, and always has, that this is NOT a cancer, I keep the faith, and hope for the magic bullet that will shrink this terrible tumour, and save my son's foot, and therefore leg, from needless amputation.

As many of my friends know, I am an atheist. I do not have a god I worship or believe in. My friends who do, have prayed and cared for us, and I thank them for their beliefs and wishes.

Events in my life have decided my beliefs, but I never deny or disregard, or disrespect,  other's beliefs. We are all entitled to our own paths, and beliefs.
I do thank you all, for your caring thoughts, and I do beileve they can have an effect.


Michael Bolton, How am I Supposed to live without you.

What can you say???

We have been to Sydney, for diagnosis.
There is actually none.

The Biopsy has been taken, and the results, are nondecisive. No one can determine what the tumour is, or whether it is benign or malignant.

We stayed at a Hotel which is supposedly 'friendly' for discounting Hospital visitors. I don't really regard a $2 a night discount as 'friendly'.
However, the room we were allocated had microwave and cooktop facilites.
The downside was, there were NO utensils for cooking anything, either on cooktops, nor in microwaves. No plates, no cutlery, no saucepans, containers.

 I used a teaspoon to eat my ghastly microwaved meal- from the plastic container.

The second room we were allocated, had none of the above facilities, and it also had a cracked handbasin, which I regard as highly dangerous re germs and infection.

Back to the reason for our stay. My son's foot is seemingly malignant. An overnight stay, with a biopsy, was performed. Full anaesthetic, and recovery stay in Hospital.

Specialist says his gut says it is malignant. Tests are inconclusive.

It seems my son's condition is so rare, noone can figure it out.

Now they are suggesting melanoma. A seconday cancer site, in the foot.
Preposterous, really, as the full body PET scan shows no evidence of any other tumours, or abnomal cells in the body. A Plus, for sure!

The Specialist doubts the melanoma theory, with good reason.

We have been adivised that, either way, my Son will lose his foot and leg.
To me, as his mother, it just seems such a drastic thing, especially when I dont think it is really cancer, I cannot begin to contemplate such a thing.

I seem to be wearing a psychic sign on my head, announcing to the Universe, "Sh!t on Me!!!"  Or, maybe it is a sign on my back that says "KICK ME!! I Am Down Already, so I cant get lower!"


Who knows what lies ahead. I just hope I can be there to support my Son.

Brink

In the next two days, we will find out good, or bad news. Or perhaps, hopeful news.

I am holding the faith the news won't be as bad as we suspect it could be.

There is a special type of terror, in waiting for medical diagnosis, and ultimate prognosis.

I fear the bottom line is, the medical profession don't really know. Not their fault, just the state of medicine.

I remember my Grandmother's remedies. Not so silly, in today's newly dawning world of natural treatments, and cures.

How wonderful has Aspirin 'suddenly'  become?

But is it artificially made, or is it the original plant product?

What is real, or believable any more?

Good friends, such as those who called today, are real. They are believable.

Family are real and they are believable also.

*************

My son and I rescued, last Thursday, two small dogs,  who had been roaming our streets all day. It was dusk, and we feared they may be hit by cars. Plus the dogs seemed weary, and had obviously tired, of their day's adventures.

I dubbed them Mister Shaggy, and Mister Smooth.

We put them into our car, and took them off to our local, friendly, Vet Clinic.
They were such lovely little boys, and very friendly, and obviously well cared for.
As I went to pick up the little guy, Mr Smooth,  with the tan and cream fur, he became panicked and nipped me on the face.

Now, I am sporting a very large, & ugly, bruise on my face!

I rang the Vet's, next day,  to see if the rascals had been microchipped, and collected. Vet's nurse told me they are well known, and had gone home. She also told me that Mr Smooth is going blind, and he often nips the staff, at Vet Clinic.
They had been collected, and it seems they are renowned runaways. They come from a family of five dogs! (Lucky owners!)
They are the only two who make a run for it!

This evening there was a knock on our door, and there was Mister Shaggy, with a strange man.
"Is this your dog?" he asked my son, as Mr Shaggy went into raptures over Son. He then told us that Mr Shaggy had spent the day running over the road to our house, and back across the road to his, Mr Stranger's,  house.

I hope the little guy is ok. He is very affectionate, and very lovable. Rescue man said he would put him in the backyard with his little dog, so I hope there is no conflict.

We could not take him, as we are off to the City tomorrow.

Unbearable

It seems there are no free treats for me at present.

I am struggling so hard.
It seems life has not finished dealing me blows.

I remember, a friend once told me, "It is hard to feel depressed, when your eyes are looking upward."

I keep searching the sky, the horizon, for hope, for peace, for strength.

I am going to need all the help I can get, and all the strength I can find, to live through this, next,  terrible time.
It seems my world contains nothing, but Life's Cruel Blows.

Some beautiful friends, who are aware of my sorrow and sadness made this beautiful video for me.

I cried when I saw it, and feel blessed and so touched to know I have such beautiful, caring friends.

Thankyou all, so very much.

The Great,.the Sad, and the Sometimes Breathtakingly Beautiful!

The great news is, my BB- Beloved Brother, - is now the very proud Grandfather of a little girl.

Welcome to the world Sofia, and Welcome to our Family!

Here she is with her Mum and Dad, just after her arrival.

I am told Sofia has thick black hair, unlike her older brother, who arrived with very blond hair. As  Grandpa Arpi said, it may all rub off- or not!

I know everyone in the family is so happy at this little girl's safe arrival. I wish I could be there to give them all a huge hug.

Sofia will be a very lucky little girl, with her diverse heritage. I hope her life is long an happy, and filled with love, and happiness.
*******

This is a free treat, from the week past.
A lovely young Magpie, who seemed to regard our balcony railing as a safe landing.
It was, indeed.

He/she turned to look, at who might be taking pictures of it's royal self.

It was raining, and we decided the feather fluff, was to combat the wet!

**************

This was a recent evening sky scape.

 A little threatening, perhaps. It proved to be all threat, and no action, thank goodness.

Another evening pic, with, to me, the worry lines of the day, written in the clouds.

I missed the following evening's pics, with the soft pink blush of the cloud-cheeks of the evening. The gentle promise, in the soft hue, of the lovely day to follow.

We have had no Summer, as we know it, but I have enjoyed the lack of heat, and mostly, the lack of humidity. It is a strange 'Summer', in that we have had so much hard rain, and cloudy outlook, it has hardly seemed to be a 'Summer season', in many ways.

I am not a believer of "Global Warmimg" as  positedf by some. I am a beliiever of climate change, which is a natural reccuring event in the evolution of the Planet Earth. It has happened mamy times before, and will happen many times again, in the history of this planet.

I know man's  impress with Carbon emissions are damaging, but I also feel, it is like a gnat's f*rt in the evolution of the Earth.  I could go on, boringly, but I will not.

****************

***Please avert your eyes, if you are squeamish or can't stand ugly!!***

In other hideous events, I have possibly, broken a toe. An empty glass bottle landed on the top of my big toe, and the resultant pain, agony, and bruising have been quite spectacular! Haha!

However, the good news is, the pool visits, whilst being beneficial to the dratted knee,   also seem to have been remedial/curative for the toe, so it is all win win!


Eddie Vedder Rise.

Thoughts on Death, and Dying.

This is not really to be a dark post, I hope.

Over the past months, since Gom died, I have had much time to dwell on the subject. It seems my mind got trapped in a timewarp, and I was unable to stop re-running our lives together in the past.

The reality of his having gone, and never coming back, was too much for me to accept, somehow. My whole life seemed to be meaningless,  and platitudes such as those given by well meaning friends and professionals, held no comfort. In fact they only seemed to rub salt into wounds I could not bear.

To try to make this lighter, I have interspersed it with some meaningless~or maybe not so meaningless~ pics.

So, if you dont feel like reading, just look at the pics. They represent life, and fresh hope.

 This is my current crop of parsely, a measly plant by comparison to previous crops, but nonetheless, delicious.
I am a great lover of herbs, and most of my meals contain some of one type or another.

On with the thoughts of Death.
When my mother died, fifteen years ago now, I felt I could never recover from my loss. Of course, you never do 'recover',  you just learn to live with the loss and the grief. Your mind adjusts to the fact that the person is no longer here. Her memory lives on inside me, and I hear her voice daily, and often see her face.

Before her death, I was lucky enough to be able to stay with her and take care of her at her home. She had had a dread of a 'Home' or Hospital, and so we enjoyed much time together, talking of old days and reminiscing about family and our life events.

When she got closer to dying, (though I did not realise at the time how little time she had left,) she began to have a series of dreams. I will not retell those dreams here, but I know they brought her great comfort ~and indeed, wonder, about death. Like me, she had been an Atheist all her life, but somehow the dreams would appear to contradict her beliefs. I know there is an explanation, but I won't discuss that here.

She began to retell the story of her life, she told me, and wondered if she was keeping me awake at night, with her voice. She said she retold her school days, and her life with her brothers when they were children. She told stories of her beloved father and mother, and I do believe she moved on as the timeline of her life had moved on.

I did hear her talking, but had not realised it was the story of her life, she was telling, or I would have gone to listen. Much of her life had been very sad, and her joyous patches mostly revolved around her family, children, and later, her grandchildren. Many of her heartaches involved family too, as they do in everyone's lives.

This is a self sown Thyme plant, which grows beside the clothes line, and it often gets brushed by the clothes basket, and releases it's lovely aroma, so fresh and inviting.

When my mother became too ill to be at home, I spent every minute I could, at her bedside, and we sat vigil as she died. It seemed cruel that she had to die in a Hospital, but she was so ill, and at least we all spent as much time as possible with her.

Though my grief is endless, I could never wish her back, for my selfish sake.

This is a pic of seeds on a very lovely cream Clivia. I know if my sister-in-law were here, she could get these to grow, but with my brown thumbs, I would not even try. 

They do somehow represent life's longing to carry on, and reproduce itself.

After my mother had died, I had a craving for planting flowers and vegetables, growing things,  and had a fair success. It seemed as though it was a way of denying death, to be able to give, and succour life in some form. I was too old for more children, which is often the way we handle the finality of death.  I longed for another grandchild to hold and love, but it was not to be, at that time.

I thought of how Gom and I had reacted when his father died unexpectedly. We clung to each other, and our lovemaking was passionate, and desperate almost, as if to deny death. We absolutely cherished our children, and were comforted by their beings.

This is some delicious Smoked Salmon Bruschetta, prepared at home by my son. I made the balsamic reduction, for the dressing, and it was delicious. Perhaps not a 'delicious' looking dish, but it tastes divine. We use some basil and a little mint to add some zing.

Now, I come to Gom's passing. I thought I could never come to any sort of peace about his death. In the days before he died, he began to reminisce about 'the old days' and of our time together throughout the 45 years of our marriage. Occasionally I would become a little impatient, but then I began to be fearful, as I remembered my mother re-telling her life.

We had thought we had more time left together, but I wonder if some deep part of Gom knew that he was going, sooner, rather than later.

I still have patches of denial, I still have patches of almost unbearable grieving, and I know I always will. I have been lucky to have had a wonderful counsellor, who seemed to just lift a lot of my deep dark thoughts from me. I am not sure how, but we even had some deep laughs, in the course of our couselling sessions.

My son also convinced me to begin swimming, or Hydratherapy, really. I have found it astonishingly good for both my knee, and my spirit. At first I could not bear to talk to anyone.

I was asked if I would like to join the Arthritis Foundation. I recieved a very startled look when I said, emphatically, "No Thanks".

I am a non-joiner, and have lived long enough to know that that is OK. I have been that way for all my life, and am happy not to change now.

I don't want to stand waving my arms about above my head, like some gangly leafless tree! I dont want to do chicken clucking motions with hands in my armpits.

I am very happy, and well, doing my regular exercises for my knee, which have been so beneficial, I wish some bl**dy doctor had suggested it right from the start, after the operation.

I find I can now bear to talk to other swimmers, doing their exercises, and have even been told by a 'trainer,' or physiotherapist, that I give myself a good workout, and am doing well.  

A gentle sunset, which preceded one of the most lovely days of summer we have had. It was a nice weekend, with rare sunshine, and lovely warm temperatures, without the horrible humidity.

I know I will always grieve over Gom.

I do wonder at the human spirit which somehow craves to live, even when all seems impossible.

I do wonder at the strength which seems to come from nowhere, to help us perhaps, begin to live on.

I have even done a little cooking, and now... hope to sew again!

Rufus Wainwright, Across the Universe.

From one minute to the next,,

It seems that Blogger, the  Almighty, has decided I cant upload the pics I want, in the order I choose.

So here goes with what I have.

We seem to have had a Non Summer this year. All that we have had is clouds, rain, and thundrstorms.

It ix not our usual Summer weather. At this time of year we are normally suffering from high temperatures, and are waiting for the 'cool'.

This year, we seem to have had more than our usual share of Thunderstorms, and rain, dismal rain.

 The gathering storm clouds are a warning sign. We are soon to have rain,and possibly high winds.

As that one happened, it all passed us by, and the calm eventuated before the storm.


It is now late, and I have spent a lovely day with Family, and I need to be retiring.
To the sound of Thunder, and the flash of lightning.

Don't you just love being safe and sound for a Thunderstorm!

Suzanne, Leaonard Cohen

Outings- no, not those kind of 'outings'...

This is going to play silly Bloggers with me again. I wanted the type to all align to the left, but it is not going to happen, since I have uploaded all the pics first.

On Sunday last, my Son B took me over to a beachside suburb, where there is a Market.

There were two Elvis lookalikes playing at the small stage in the Market. Sadly I did not take a photo of their extremely bad wigs, nor their white flared suits, complete with huge rhinestones~ and dark glasses.

I did, however take some pics of the Paradiso Resort. It has been here for many years, and has recently undergone a makeover, and I thought it is quite interesting, with murals, ornate doorways and wonderful stained glass windows.

 Excuse the poor photography, the sun was shining on my camera, and I could not see what I was snapping, so it was a hit and miss affair.

There were several murals painted on this upper wall, and it is a shame I did not catch them all, as they are rather good.

I am assuming the balconies are from the apartment part of the complex. Look at those massive doors.

It all has rather a nice Spanish style to it, and it would have been even better with some beautiful guitar music playing!

Stained glass again.

This is one of my Bromeliads, with it's pretty pale pink bract, which has blue flowers. When I lived in New Zealand I wished I owned one of these, but they were far too expensive. Over here, these are almost growing wild in my garden. In fact I am thinking of giving some away.

Here is dear little Honey, in her Please mode. She has done this since she was very small, and it never fails to appeal and tug on my heartstrings.

Here she was, at the top of the stairs, probably waiting to ambush Morty, as they seem to have a running battle with each other. Not really friends!

I think he is scheming on how he can ambush Honey, by leaping off this table, onto her head!

This is the Oregano flowering, before the rain dampened it all down, and the flowers got drowned. We seem to have one or two warm to hot days, then the rain and dull clouds roll over again.

To combat all this, Son B has talked me into going swimming at a pool, to try to improve my knee. I have just seen the Surgeon again, for a routine checkup, and he assures me all is excellent mechanically speaking. It is just the swelling and pain which are not so nice. He assures me this will all settle eventually. He also mentioned grief can affect healing markedly. I knew this, which is why I did not really want to have the surgery when I did. However I was more or less bullied into it, by the booking office at the Hospital. I was told if I cancelled, I would only get one more chance, and if I postponed or cancelled again, I would be off the list. GRRRR.

The good thing is, I am really enjoying my workouts in the lovely heated pool, and have chatted to several others having gentle exercise, for various ailments. Of course one has to listen to what ails them, then they have to enquire what ails me. I am not so keen on these chats, and do my best to head off on my walking laps.

It is win win, for myself and my son, as he does laps in the outdoor Olympic pool, and he really enjoys that.

To go for these swimming experiences, I had to go and shop for a swim suit, since it is ages since I owned one.

My goodness, what a traumatic affair it all turned out to be!

First of all, the selection proved to be nonexistant very very limited. Too late in the season. Of course it is!  Winter stock is all arriving in the shops, and normally, it would be around 30 degrees Celsius over here, at this time of year.

After looking in all the expensive shops, thinking no one would have bought their range, all I found were garments that one would not wish to be caught dead in, let alone still living!

Finally, in a more downmarket store, I found two bathing suits that I felt I bring myself to actually try on.

A most hideous, and traumatising experience, and what I now want to know is "Who stole my nice slim smooth thighs, and replaced them with dimples and cottage cheese??"

When I told my GP of this horrible fact, he actually laughed! All very well for him, he is only 50, and as slender as a Greyhound!

I find, as long as I dont look at myself in any mirrors, I can ignore myself in the bathers, and just get into the water as fast as I can, then slink out wrapped in a large towel, and wait until we are home again, to have a shower and dress in covering garments.

Because it has been so unseasonably chilly this week, I have arrived home shivering and have had to get out the woollies again, to warm myself.

I suspect this cold weather, and the exercise, are causing my appetite to go into horse mode, and the indecent craving for chocolate has really shocked me. I have never before been a chocolate lover.

All very curious!

Hot Chocolate seems appropriate.